Aveeno Body Wash: Energize Me So I Don't Feel Like Murdering Everyone At Work, Please.

Metric Jenn

It is the middle of winter, I have no vacation time left, and there is no winter sojourn down to Mexico in my future. My patience with everything and everyone is at an end, and it's a virtual Herculean Feat to get myself out of bed in the morning to go to work. Generally, I need SOMETHING new to motivate me, or just give me that little boost in the morning that isn't a ninth cup of coffee or meth-amphetamines. And so I turned to Aveeno for some help. I picked up the Energizing Body Wash with lemongrass, rosemary, and mint at Safeway about three weeks ago.  I paid 7.99$ for a 16 oz bottle, a bit on the more expensive side for body washes. 

Herbal Essences: Honey I'm Strong - Honey, You Ain't Lyin'

Metric Jenn

I haven't had much luck with shampoos and conditioners, you guys. I try and I try...but my hair is very crabby. It could be due to the fact that I haven't gotten a haircut in ages; but with my tight budget, some things take priority. 

*ahem*doggyhaircutsinstead*ahem*

Anyhow, as I was waiting in Safeway for my prescription to be filled, I wandered amongst the hair care aisle. The Honey, I'm Strong by Herbal Essences catches my eye, simply because I'd never seen it before as a part of their product line.

Aromas Artesanales De Antigua Luxury Hand Cream: Massage Me Like One of Your Guatemalan Girls

Metric Jenn

(This review may be a bit on the crazy side, as I am currently suffering back pain and the Doc gave me some sweet, sweet painkilling relief.)

I've been sitting on this product for about 3 months now. I bought it in Santa Barbara from this froo-froo hippie shop (don't ask me what it was called; I barely remember my own name). I was looking for more lotions to add to my hoarder-like collection at home. I smelled each lotion and made my choice based on how Lindsay Lohan-ish I felt. You see, I'd just visited the court house in which she was sentenced and it was like my Mecca.

Joico Leave-In Detangler: Happy Happy Joy Joy?

Metric Jenn

Hey all, it's Metric Jenn here, once again! Now, I'm not going to lie...this review sat up in my brain, brewing away because I wasn't sure how to properly convey how this product works, not to mention how I felt about it. And so the image that you see of darling Ren & Stimpy may be a a macguffin...OR IS IT?

YOU MUST READ TO FIND OUT...after the jump!

Bio-Oil: Scar Tissue That I Wish You Saw.

Metric Jenn

I was just introduced to this product by a lovely lady who lives all the way down in San Diego, otherwise known as "The Whale's Vagina". I was on vacation, and thoroughly enjoying the San Diego Zoo Safari Park, sunshine, and basically being not at work. One day I was complaining vociferously about having crocodile skin on my elbows resulting in strange clusters of freckles. It's ridiculous, and a source of wonder to all those who notice, while being perplexing to myself.

Well, in waltzes Mademoiselle Parissa with her well-moisturized, glowing skin, and I got so damn jealous. I started shrieking about my elbows at her, like they were somehow her fault.

GOSH Professional: Curl It Baby! Defining Cream

Metric Jenn

Please excuse the crappy picture of this product...but it seems to be a rare enough find to not have any results on the Google Image search! Well, lah-dee-freakin-dah. It looks like I've finally hipstered a hair product. I started using this BEFORE it was cool. "But Metric Jenn," you are all asking, "What on earth is that a blurry photo of?" To which I reply, "Don't end your sentences in a preposition, that's just bad form. Oh, and it's this Curl Defining Cream I randomly picked up for like 18$ at Shopper's Drug Mart."

So as long as you stop ending your questions in prepositions, I will gladly introduce you to my new go-to product to stop fly-aways and give a bit more definition to my spirals.

Pro-Curl Tweezerman Eye Lash Curler: Serious Business

Metric Jenn

It was a warm summer day back in the year 2000 when I was over at an old friend's apartment, just drinking the last bit of instant coffee and lounging about. We were bored...the kind of bored that only broke university students can be. No money for anything, not even enough to go out to the cheap movie theatres. We didn't even have enough money to put gas in the car. Basically, we were beyond white trash poor. Even the tv was disconnected. This obviously leads to desperation: we decided to get drunk on the last bit of boxed wine and the shitty Coors Lite beers (left over from the asshole that brought them to the last party) and do each other's makeup.

The result of that night still resounds in my life today.

Doctor Knows Best: Physician's Formula Youthful Wear

Metric Jenn

I'm back, everyone! I went on vacation for 2 weeks and it was GLORIOUS. I am refreshed and ready to write. I'm going to be all the bitch I can be! And it starts here, with Physician's Formula Youthful Wear concealer. You see, when packing, I took into consideration many things: changing skin tone after laying in the sun, flakiness from drying skin, climate change...the works. What I didn't account for was the jerkoff(s) that loaded and unloaded my luggage from the 3 flights it took me to get to L.A. And so it was at my destination that I discovered the Make Up Forever concealer explosion that took place in my make up bag. A few things were lost. A few tears were shed.

Vacation, All I Ever Wanted! Random Links from a Mind that's Already in California.

Metric Jenn

Well, well, well, what do we have here? Metric Jenn? Doing links? Yes, it is a change from the lovely lady regulars, but you see, I am going on vacation for 2 and a half weeks, and I felt bad for not having contributed much lately. So really, these links are the LEAST I can do before I say 'fuck it' to everything. Case in point, I still have one work day left, but I mentally checked out of that place like...a week ago.

But enough of that rambling - LET US BEGIN THE LINKENING!

So, I've been perusing tattoo site lately, as I have a tattoo from when I was younger that I want covered up with something nice, so thankfully FuckYeahTattoos has given me loads of ideas! 

My local tattoo artist friend also told me to go to Dafont to get ideas for script. Now if only I'd done this kind of research for that first tatt. Oh, the follies of youth!

Gadget Girl: Kindle vs Kobo (E-Reader Face-Off)

Metric Jenn

Electronics. I love them. I am the epitome of the gadget chic. I had an RCA mp3 player before the iPod was invented. It took a goddamn memory card the size of a greeting card. I had a laptop back in 1994. My dad brought it home and it could barely handle saving .txt documents, but I played Tetris on that bad boy all during my bout with mononucleosis. Going back even further (am I showing my age?), I could espouse the virtues of the Betamax tape over VHS. I love technology and trying new things. When some new gadget somes out, I'm usually the first one boarding that monorail.

Seacret Nail Care Collection: A Little for A Lot

Metric Jenn

Once upon a time there was a girl who got the most random demonstration of nail care from her mother right before a family dinner on Labour Day weekend. That girl was me. And I will NEVER pay for another manicure again. Not when I've got me a SEACRET.

So where did this stuff come from?  My mother told me all about her trip to the mall with my dad, and how they were stopped by one of those mall kiosk clerks who gave a demo on each of them. My dad then piped up to inform me that the kiosk lady was very nice-looking and that was the only reason he allowed her to give him the 'manliest of manicures'.

Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Face Sunscreen: Don't Get it in Your Eyes

                                                        Metric Jenn

Ok, my peeps. Metric Jenn here to tell you about how protecting your skin from the ravages of the sun's rays is a good thing. And it is. That's why I'm all about purchasing good suntan lotions, sprays, and the like. So as I was prepping for yet another beach-day, and as I was grabbing snacks (cherry twizzlers are the bomb, yo!), I recalled that I was out of sun tan lotion specifically for my face. Yes, specifically for my face - I've got finicky skin (as I may have mentioned before). So I grabbed some Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Face Sunscreen SPF 45.

Links Hijinks: Metric Jenn Scours the Net for Your Pleasure

Metric Jenn

GREETINGS, MY MINIONS. It is mid-week, and I'm already plotting ways to get out of work that involves arson and me not being caught. I know most of you are dreaming of the same things, which is why you come here, and why I love you.

Yet here we are, sitting at our desks, surrounded by other drones, and/or the idiotic masses...to stave off the homicidal rages that I know you and I are all prone to, I've cobbled together some delightful links for you to enjoy.

Clarins Facial Self-Tanner: I Could Have Been an Extra on Jersey Shore

Metric Jenn

You readers think you're all so smart, don't you? I'll bet you think you know where I'm going to go with this review. I'll make oompa loompa jokes and talk about Jersey Shore whores and, in general, destroy the spirit of Clairins and their ridiculous self-tanner.

Ooohhhhh, yeah, you guys are soooooo SMART. Except you AREN'T! And I have a lot of things to say about this product that aren't horrendous. My reviews aren't all vitriol, you know! Sometimes I like things! Sometimes things deserve a good review!

Yep, you heard me: This product gets a fair review from moi, Metric Jenn.

These Lips Were Made for Talkin': Lush Honey Trap Lip Balm

Metric Jenn

Lush...oh Lush...Why can I never quit you, even though you give me a scent-overload headache every single time I enter one of your stores?

So of course you all know the story: Girl meets boy....errr...I mean lip balm. Girl pays a lot of money for lip balm because it's all natural and makes lofty promises. Boy...I MEAN LIP BALM does something stupid and breaks girl's heart/lips/wallet. I think this analogy totally went off the rails, and I've been watching too many early Sandra Bullock romantic comedies. Yeah, While You Were Sleeping has permeated my brain.

Cargo Bronzer: It Gets the Job Done-Kind of Like Cargo Shorts.

Metric Jenn

Hej! Glad att skriva för er alla igen! That means "Hello! Glad to be writing for you all again!" in Swedish. I've been slowly learning Swedish for the past year, and I still don't have the proper sentence structure down. And now you all are probably wondering WHY the hell would I be telling you this completely un-related story instead of talking about the Cargo bronzer I tried out. Well, to tell you the absolute truth? I don't have that much to really SAY about it that doesn't have a "meh" tone to it.

Keep reading, though, because of course my reviews are terribly amusing and worth it in the end.

Organix Moroccan Argan Oil Body Lotion: More Like ORGASMIC.

Metric Jenn

Have you ever walked by something like a BAZILLION times and never really thought much about it? Or thought that it was something totally different from what it actually is? Or thought nothing of it at all? Yeah, those reactions and more were what I had for the longest time about this so-called Organix Hydrating Moroccan Argan Oil body lotion - and to Organix in general.

So of course, after years of dismissal, I picked up the bottle and really examined it. What I read obviously piqued my interest and I bought it, though I have to admit that I was sure it would be Inked and I could get all HULK RAGE SMASH on it.

Olay Soothing Cucumber Body Wash: I Smell Like a Damn Garden

Metric Jenn

I love body washes. Seriously. It takes a regular shower and turns it into a tropical fucking vacation in my mind before I have to face the reality of a crap annoying day job filled with dealing with jerks and enough paperwork to take down an inebriated giraffe. 

The collection of body washes in my bathroom is staggering and, as I was rummaging around for my next scent, I came upon Olay's Soothing Cucumber infused with avocado oil. It seemed good; a moisturizing body wash with a fresh scent to send me off to work perky and ready to take on the world and not kill any co-workers.

Made From Earth Vitamin C: Nothing Compares to You

Metric Jenn

Note: This product was provided to me by the company for a review; had I not liked the product there would not have been a review posted.

Well, it seems that I've now become a hippie, overtaking Tamatha and Dixie as the Earth Mother of this small piece of internet heaven. I'm not usually particular about things I throw on my body, meaning that I don't feel the need to make sure that everything is green and organic and whatnot. My face has taken a beating from chemical crap, and I still look alright (I *think*!), so when I was presented with the opportunity to try something new, I thought "Why not? I've suffered through leprosy with Aveeno, this can't possibly be as bad!"

Hawaiian Tropic After Sun Lime Coolada:My Skin Drank This Up.

Metric Jenn

It was gorgeous weather outside this past Wednesday and Thursday in my neck of the woods, two perfect days sandwiched between horrendous thunder storms and blech-days that made you want to curl up with a book in front of a fire place. So of course I took those days off and laid in the sun. I put on the requisite 15 SPF sunscreen, because DUH - cancer you guys! What's that? 45 SPF or higher? Go to hell. I'll do what I want. 

So I guess it should come as no surprise to anyone that bits of me were crispier than others by the end of my two day marathon of sunbathing.