InStyle Magazine for February: Barrymore, Louboutins, and Boredom

Pinky McLadybits

Drew Barrymore is InStyle's February 2012 cover girl. While looking for a nice photo of the cover to share with all of you, I found that Barrymore is engaged. Again. Dude, I still thought she was dating Justin Long. These guys really jump the gun on trying to lock these actresses down. Dumbasses.

I would also like to go on record as saying that I hate Drew's hair. I really hate that this whole "purposely dark roots and lighter ends" thing has gone from trailer to chic. Ombre? Whatevs.

Anyway, this month's cover proclaims SEXIER BY TONIGHT: 10 SHORTCUTS TO HOT! THE NEW RULES OF FIGURE FLATTERY! 20 SUPER AMAZING SHOES! INSTANTLY DOUBLE YOUR WARDROBE OPTIONS! 

They really need to get someone over the age of 14 to write their cover blurbs. And maybe invest in some lowercase letters. Please and thank you.

I feel I need to inform you that there are 64 pairs of shoes in this issue, starting with a pair of black Louboutins with a silver heel. Not the best way to convince me of SUPER AMAZING SHOES.

It is, by the way, the 20th anniversary of Louboutins existing. Yay. Do I lose my access to my vagina if I admit that these shoes are way ugly? Well, you'll pry my vagina from my cold dead hands because these shoes are FUGLY. I mean, boots with a peep toe and nude mesh as the actual boot? To look like a "delicate tattoo"? It looks like a skin ailment. NO. WAIT! I would wear the Isabelle wedges.

Have you heard of fragrance bracelets? You pay $65 for a tacky bracelet that comes with scent beads ($20 each additional smell) and you wear it around. I just do not understand. Wouldn't that stink more than regular perfume? Wouldn't you just be begging for someone to verbally slap you for stinking like a Tuscan Fig?

FINALLY! Something useful! A recipe for a Raspberry Bombshell:

3/4 ounce Chambord-flavored vodka

3/4 ounce Chambord

2 ounces lemonade

1 ounce cranberry juice

Shake all ingredients with ice and pour into mouth.

A to Z Grammy fashions? Boring. Anne Hathaway's "Best Dress"? Super boring. How Kate Bosworth is still anyone of note? MIND-BOGGLING.

The 10 Best Ever in this issue covers Salma Hayek. Her number one is this McQueen number from the 2011 Met Costume Institute Gale. Almost as snore-inducing at the nude frock they liked on Hathaway. Yet they liked this abomination on Emma Roberts. But still, no expensive candles!

OOOH! AN INTERVIEW WITH ADAM LEVINE! NOM! Hey! He has all of his clothes on! Dammit, InStyle! Now I have to do this:

I feel much better now.

On to the Love Your Shape section where the choices under Chest are "If you love yours", "If you don't", and "If you're flat". Fucking really? Really InStyle, you heinous bitch? Perhaps "If you're smaller chested" would have been a less insulting and more tactful phrase? Fuckers.

Now are the Freebies. Most of this is information already known, like where to get free little makeovers (Benefit counters, Estee Lauder counters, at Sephora), and free facials that I didn't know you could get. Apparently Origins counters, Clarins, Shiseido, and Guerlain all offer free facials. Even if you're flat.

Transformation Katie Holmes is a delightful page, if only to see her go from grinning teen to smirking Fembot. I really didn't need to relive those poor short hair choices though. 

The article on Drew Barrymore is titled "Queen of Cool". To InStyle, her coolness and good life is attributed to:

1. cute beau
2. a production firm
3. friends
4. real balance

Notice that the man that will undoubtedly be in her life for a shorter period of time than a pair of tennis shoes is listed before her long-time friends and her successful production company. Way to keep it real.

Passion Show has some items for Valentine's Day. We have S'mores hearts with 24k gold flakes, $48 for 12. Heart-shaped potato pancakes, $39 for 48. A bamboo spoon that is supposed to be a heart but looks like a butt and comes with a heart-shaped bowl, $45. I'll be lucky to get a $20 dinner out and some sexin' for V-Day. I really want that butt spoon.

That's it? Yep, that's it. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having read it. So join me again next month!