Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Men We Wouldn't Touch With Your Hoobie (Figgy CRAY!)

Pinky and The Ladies of Hot Ink

There are some men in Hollywood or sports, television or fashion, that we are told are hot. Sometimes there is just no way in hell that these men would be considered attractive if it weren't for their money. Or maybe it's just that different people like different things. WHATEVER.

As for me, the Eleventh Doctor just doesn't float my little man in the boat. AT ALL. Some people call him attractive, I call him eyebrowless, flippy-haired, odd face. If this Doctor showed up I would have to pass on traveling with him on account of his face. shudder

Once again Figgy proves that old adage, "Figgy hates all good things, but she loves HAMM."

James Franco

Sure he cleans up ok in a photoshoot, but for every black and white shot of him in a suit, there's 4 of him looking greasy-haired and unbathed. Add the highly questionable facial hair and weak chin and there's one movie star I don't want to bone. - Vee

Jason Sudeikis

So. Jason Sudeikis. I didn’t even realize he was supposed to be noticeably attractive until I heard about him dating women like January Jones and Olivia Wilde. He’s obviously not UNattractive, but I just always saw him as being on the up side of normal. The cutest dad at the daycare, you know? I guess because he’s a comedian and there’s an awful lot of comedians who looked like they crawled out from under bridges (I attribute most of Dane Cook’s success to his attractiveness as well) so he’s good looking for a funny guy. To other people. To me? Well, he’s just kind of… there. - Rusty

Sean Connery

This is more of a vintage hearthrob. Like a fine wine, that should have got better with age, but instead turned to vinegar.

Okay, I get it he played James Bond and he has a cool accent. You know who else has that accent? The entire nation of Scotland, and you don't see everyone getting up on Robert Carlyle's grill (well except for me: call me Robert)

Connery is a decent actor, however he's also a creepy misogynist who has admitted to more then one occassion that he disrespects and beats women. Much like James Bond. Perhaps he's not such a great actor after all. - Park

Alexander Skarsgard

Alexander Skarsgard is a favorite around these parts. Merely uttering his name to some of the ladies at Hot Ink is enough to send them into paroxysms of pleasure. I suppose, in theory, he's attractive. He's incredibly ripped. He's Swedish, with a lovely natural accent. According to most critics, he's a fantastic actor. And yet... it doesn't quite add up for me. But I've figured out exactly what it is that's keeping me from jumping on the love train and wanting to jump his bones.

It's his eyes. Those steely grey eyes that some women swoon over leave me feeling cold. Because while his smile may say, "I would like to take you out to dinner," those eyes say, "... and then I'd like to taste your liver." He's got the creepy stare of a deranged lunatic, and quite frankly, I wouldn't let him get within 100 feet of my hoobie... or any of my internal organs, either. - MelBivDevoe

David Tennant

I'm still reeling from Mel's obvious blindness up there - but you know what? That's ok. Less competition for me. Now on to this random girl-crush that's been positively perturbing me for the past year or so. David Tennant, or "Ten" as people also refer to him. He plays Doctor Who, and I guess this means all nerd girls MUST love him. I defy this nerd girl trope. I play World of Warcraft, watch Buffy, Battlestar Galactica, and enjoy reading Edward Gibbons' Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire for fun, so I have nerd girl qualifications galore. But this guy...It's just too many goofy features all mashed together! A too-large nose, weird upper lip on top of what looks like the ear that looks like a ferret chewed off a piece. And is it just me, or do his cheeks look like they've been stretched too thin? Like butter over too much toast. SEE?? A LotR quote. This nerd girl's vagina says: NO to Tennant. - Metric Jenn

Brad Pitt

He's too pretty and he has cat eyes. I hate the cat eyes. They freak me out. It took me a long time to even respect him as an actor, because what little I had seen of him (god, he was everywhere in the 90s) involved him mostly looking off into the distance and pouting. He's just too pretty, too perfect, and thoroughly boring to me in a physical way. As an actor he can be fantastic (see 12 Monkeys, Snatch), but he's never, ever stirred my ladybits. - Figgy

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

He looks like he'll be 12 years old forever.

He's bland as a block of wood and will never stop looking like a child. Sure, he's funny, but so are a million other dudes out there. And I seriously wish he would just stop trying to sing. The guy is an Indie Darling, but I don't see the appeal in the slightest. He's an alright actor who gets lost in ensembles and doesn't have much of a screen presence to my eyes. He's like your vaguely not-ugly neighbor who rides a skateboard and pretends he's a punk rocker and just makes you feel exhausted. - Figgy

Johnny Depp

This one just BAFFLES me. The guy looks like a wet rat. He's skinny and evil-eyed and I find him completely exhausting as an actor. The only thing I've ever found vaguely attractive about him is his hair, and nowadays it just looks greasy and disgusting. He looks like he smells like old pickles. Blurgh. - Figgy

Rebuttal from Metric Jenn - My colleagues are bananas. This guy has been looking like a filthy disheveled hobo for years now, and it just adds to his appeal. And as an actor, he is excellent. He knows his roles, he is versatile, and he works very well with Tim Burton. Plus, apparently he and his long time common-law spouse, Vanessa Paradis are on the rocks. So if Figgy won't have him, I will take that bullet for her. Je t'adore, Johnny. Vous pouvez me rejoindre par couriel içi!

Joel McHale

Joel McHale is one of the most likable celebrities I can think of: he's smart, snarky, doesn't take himself too seriously, and seems genuinely humble and grateful in interviews. Yet despite these qualities (and his admittedly sculpted physique), I do not understand his sexual appeal. I mean, okay, I understand it IN THEORY, but abs alone are not enough to get my lady parts a-tingle. To me, McHale seems like the cool cousin I'd want to get drunk and hang out with at family parties. Or he's the reportedly handsome family friend I'd pimp out to single coworkers who want an awesome, funny guy. He's just not bone-worthy. Is it because he looks exactly like Sonic the Hedgehog with a Mystic spray tan? I don't know! But probably. - Nora

Nathan Fillion

Okay, look. I've tried. Really, I have. Objectively, Captain Tightpants is good-looking. Decent hair, nice body, chiseled features. But he looks like a mama's boy. Yeah, I said it. He looks like he goes home for Christmas, sleeps in his boyhood bedroom with superhero sheets and trophies on the wall, and his mother cuts his meat into small, non-chokable pieces for him. I don't know what it is, specifically, that makes him look like he still needs a stuffed animal to sleep at night, but he just does not do it for me. Undies are firmly dry and intact. - Dixie


  1. Oh my god. You ladies don't like Joel McHale, Nathan Fillion, Brad Pitt, SKARSGARD?!?

    Bitches be crazy.


    Except Skarsgard, because, dude, have you seen him prancing around on True Blood? Raaawr.

    And ugh, Tim Burton and Johnny Depp are SO EXHAUSTING. Everything they've ever done together can be boiled down to this: Johnny Depp wears a funny hat or wig and speaks in a funny voice. THAT IS IT.

  3. Fillion is so very wonder-bread.

  4. His name is The Doctor.




  7. Figgy has lost her mind. SHE'S SO STOOPID WITH HER MAN TASTES!

  8. As to Sean Connery, I DID go to Scotland and bring myself home a delicious-sounding (and looking) Scot. He is a thousand times better than Sean Connery because, to name just a few reasons, he 1) Respects women. 2) Can properly pronounce the letter S. and 3) doesn't look like he's been pickled.

  9. I have to agree with Figgy on Pitt. He's so BLAND. The only time I've found him attractive was in "Fight Club," and that was probably more an attraction to the character than the actor. (Let's not analyze that too much, though.)


  11. Jenn, shut the hell up, someone ELSE said Skarsgard and you're OK with it? SHUT UP JOHNNY DEPP IS GROSS.

  12. I can understand how some people aren't attracted to Nordic blonde statuesque GODS, but to not adore Johnny Depp?! I pray for your immortal soul. And I'm a fucking atheist.