I Mustache You, Hair Do I Get Rid Of This?

Author: Nora

I've recently noticed something different about my face. Out of nowhere, for inexplicable reasons, my upper lip has decided to start sporting a new look: a sparse, vaguely blond cropping of just-a-bit-too-long hairs. Coming from a family of smooth-skinned women (where apparently nobody encounters this problem before menopause), I've become slightly obsessed with finding a way to restore my upper lip area (ULA) to its original unnoticeable state. After a misguided attempt to pluck the hairs out one by one, I embarked on a quest to find the easiest, cheapest, most effective method possible. The results? Decidedly underwhelming.

Product #1: Sally Hansen Creme Bleach

Remember when I said that I come from a family of women who have never given their ULA a second thought? Yeah. I probably shouldn't have gone to my mom for advice with this. "Why don't you try bleaching it? You know, [an aunt related to me by marriage] bleaches her upper lip. I think she needs to." She said this last bit to me in a sinister whisper, even though we were alone in her car discussing her own offspring's fairly noticeable facial hair.

Thinking I'd give Sally Hansen a chance at a mustache miracle, I picked up some bleach. It promises to lighten dark, unwanted facial hair "so it blends beautifully into your natural skin tone!" It certainly does lighten hair, but unfortunately for me, it dyed my ULA an iridescent platinum shade that shone unnaturally whenever the hairs caught the light, making my 'stache infinitely more noticeable. Sexy. Additionally, the application process was a bit clunky: the "creme" comes as a powder that you have to mix with an activating ingredient. You do this on a tiny little tray with weirdly sized tools before applying it, letting it sit on your face for 5 minutes, and scraping it off with a miniature spatula. It gets 2 tentacles for letting me feel like an amateur chemist, but it loses 6 because it left me looking like I had silky, golden corn cob tassels hanging above my lip.

Rating: 2/8 tentacles

Product 2: Bliss Poetic Waxing Wax Strips Face

While this wasn't exactly a bad decision, it wasn't the miracle I was looking for either. These little guys come in a pack of 4 double sided strips for $10. They're pretty simple to use, but they don't get all the hairs after the first or even third application. I guess the whole process only takes five to ten minutes, but it was just a little frustrating to keep waxing the same spots over and over.

They leave a pretty thick residue, too. The kit comes with a little vial of oil that helps eliminate some of it, but I had to use the oil, then soap, then toner to get all the wax off. Also, despite being hypoallergenic, I've been breaking out like crazy above my mouth. Not pretty, and it definitely draws attention to the area. It gets 4 tentacles from me because after enduring a shiny gold ULA for a few weeks, I was happy just to be rid of the hairs for a fraction of what it would cost to get waxed in a salon.

Rating: 4/8 tentacles