Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Clarins Facial Self-Tanner: I Could Have Been an Extra on Jersey Shore

Metric Jenn

You readers think you're all so smart, don't you? I'll bet you think you know where I'm going to go with this review. I'll make oompa loompa jokes and talk about Jersey Shore whores and, in general, destroy the spirit of Clairins and their ridiculous self-tanner.

Ooohhhhh, yeah, you guys are soooooo SMART. Except you AREN'T! And I have a lot of things to say about this product that aren't horrendous. My reviews aren't all vitriol, you know! Sometimes I like things! Sometimes things deserve a good review!

Yep, you heard me: This product gets a fair review from moi, Metric Jenn.

...I'm sorry, I can't keep up this charade of happy-go-lucky, "I like stuff", non-judgey Jenn. This product made me so angry and orange, it was unbelievable! Everything about the Liquid Bronze Self Tanning lotion just reminds me of Jersey Shore. And it is horrific. NOBODY should be reminded that that show exists and that there is such trash being paid obscene amounts of money for being that stupid.

I threw down 34$ for Clairins Liquid Bronze Self Tanning lotion for face and décolleté. That's 34$ I wish I had back. This product is so horrible, that they've even re-done the packaging, hoping to lure more people in with an expensive look. And it probably works. I hope that this review will maybe stop just ONE person from making the hideous mistake I did.

So, what was so wrong? Well, first off, application. If you do not have gloves, buy some. I did not have gloves, and failed to make the mental connection that this stuff DYES YOUR SKIN. I was stuck with *bright* orange hands for 2 full weeks. Second of all, if you have a very pale scalp? You will look like an idiot in orange pancake makeup. Third of all, it turns you orange even if you apply very little lotion. Fourth of all, it's only for face and chest. This means that the rest of you looks like a ghost, but your face looks as though you're suffering from jaundice. FIFTH of all, it smells like something horrible was dredged up from the sewers and left out amongst rotting pig ass and then was stuffed in the bottle alongside fermented skunk spray sacks.

All of the above is absolute truth, and encompasses my use of about 1/2 that bottle. I was so determined to believe that I hadn't thrown 34$ away, that I looked like a fucking pumpkin idiot for weeks.

By now, I'm sure you all know my verdict. This product gets so inked. I wish I could ink it, delete this review, and write another one, just so I could ink it again. I HATE IT SO MUCH. 0/8 Tentacles. I hope this product dies in a fire.

Rating: 0/8 tentacles

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