Friday, February 3, 2012

A Bare Naked Lady: A Hot Ink Stunt-Writer Reveals All


Hello Lovelies!

I have decided to bare-all about my bare-all experience to you - although like a total wuss, I won't be publishing my real name with this article. Spicing up a relationship shouldn't have to come at the cost of a full year of facebook teasing, I always say.

However - I'd be very happy to answer any questions you might have about my experience with waxing so if you comment below the jump, I'll do my best to get back to you with the help of our lovely Editors, who have promised to post my answers through a veil of secrecy.

***Warning: while I don't plan to be rude about it, I will be explaining things, so please decide where your personal *ick* borders lie before jumping in!***

First of all - I'll come clean on why I decided to do it.

I had an upcoming date who I really wanted to 'surprise' with a very fun lovin' session. We don't get to be together too often, so I had 'event-style' drama on my mind. I had originally planned to do some form of 'classy' maintenance but since it was well past Mo'vember and I couldn't decide on a shape (the 'handlebar' looked too advanced for my follicles) I decided to go whole hog as it were. I figured if it was horrible, I could always add some vagazzling, shrug my shoulders and wear a bigger grin.

I started by perusing the Googles, like you do, looking for the highest rated place in town - which turned out to be a little salon dedicated to waxing only. They had a giant menu of amusingly named stylistic offerings - butt whitening ('Ass You Like It'), chest, bum and neck facials ('Toss The Turtleneck'), and of course the ultimate pallette of hoobie and junk priming imaginable (men, for example, could opt for any of these shapes: Heart, Star, Lightening Bolt, Peace, Lips, Dollar Sign, Flower or Bowtie*).

I made my appointment, took a deep breath and recalled the good many times in life I have attempted this at home. Yes. At home. Armed with a pot of cold wax, a pile of strips that never seemed to be the right size, and enough alcohol to drown my misery (hint: there was never enough). I learned curse words in languages that aren't invented yet on such occasions and almost always ended up looking like cthulu afterwards: lopsided, bright red and with mascara all down my beleaguered face. SUPER HAWT! Those were among the worst experiences of my whole life - so I marched into this appointment with a bit of trepidation and hoping for a little less awful.

The place was very quiet on an early Monday morning - the two attendants sized me up carefully when I walked in. It was a little like they were gearing up to bet on my reaction. Which I imagine is a useful thing in that business. A mule kick to the noggin is nobody's desired outcome.

In the waxing room, which was nice and clean I was asked to mop down with a wet wipe, front back and all over, and please lie down.

The process itself was rather fast at about 20 minutes - a polar opposite to the three hour sessions I'd end up in at home. Once I got over the initial - ack! of embarrassment, I relaxed...but only a slight bit because the wax went right on and with a suggestion to breathe in...RIP! ZOW!!! A quick smear of cream and slight pressure from a cloth pad immediately after and boom - onto the next bit. We went from a soft wax and strips for the front areas, and a hard wax for the very delicate bits at the back.

The whole process was approximately 8 zips and two touch ups and done. I even got my backside done, and for a wonder it didn't really hurt. I've had bandaid removals that were worse. The only embarrassing bit was having to hold up a butt cheek as each side was zipped. The technician was a champ though, and told me amusing stories about an idiot boyfriend to help me feel

Afterwards, it was determined that I had really sensitive skin (I resembled an embarrassed walrus for a short while) and I had a tiny bit of skin tearing in one spot due to my inability to follow the rules (I had been drinking alcohol the night before and had a coffee before my session - both things are verboten and I will not opt to do that next time). My technician put a little polysporin on and admonished me to follow these exact care rules:

1. NO sexing, gym, hot tubs or showers for 24 hours
2. use the Tend Skin product (shown above) twice daily for three days then once daily afterwards to prevent ingrowns
3. after the first two days, use the exfoliating mitt and a custom tea-tree oil antibacterial gel cleanser on the site to allow the hair to return with no ingrowns.

The salon offers half-off rates on post-wax ingrown removing facials if you run into trouble too.

The Tend Skin lotion is essentially a high octane four-billion-proof alcohol solution that obliterates any bacteria from the site (and can also be used on men's faces for aftershave ingrown reduction). It stings quite a bit (especially on my tiny tear) but my nethers have been smooth for over a week with absolutely zero problems.

I plan to go back for a follow up, as the technician says it's best to keep it up before you get 100% regrowth - as a well established full thatch of hair is what hurts the most to remove.

Also, it went over quite well, and while I think it looks hilarious down there, it's a cute change and really doesn't require much effort. Plus it has nowhere near the torturous regrowth of a quick shave.

I give the whole experience - and romantic results - a 7 out of 8 tentacles. A once-in-a-lifetime must try.

If you have plans to do this for Valentine's Day - all I can say is pay the slightly higher price for a well rated salon, GO TWO DAYS IN ADVANCE at least, and use the aftercare products as advertised. And have fun storming the castle!

*really - could you turn away a man with a crotch daisy? I think not!

Rating: 7/8 tentacles

1 comment:

  1. I've had this done several times, later deciding that an extended bikini is more my style. I like to leave a little hair there. I have to say that I was never told not to drink alcohol or coffee before nor was I told not to shower for 24 hours. My routine was always to take 3 Advils about 30 minutes before the session and try really, really hard to relax the muscle right before the strip is pulled.

    In the end, I found the maintenance to be tedious and expensive. I'm very much interested in a more permanent solution, like laser hair removal. But until I find good local recommendation, I've been thinking of doing the waxing thing again this year. I wonder: does waxing, over time, prevent hair from growing at all?