Monday, October 31, 2011

Maybe It's NOT Maybelline... Ok, It's Definitely Not Maybelline.

Author: Metric Jenn

As you, dear internet person, have no doubt read every last article I've ever written, I can assume that you have now become familiar with my spending habits and penchant for expensive things. Well, this review is a bit of a departure from that, because I'm in a 'saving money mode' right now. So my hunt for a good mascara has only resulted in the mediocre Dior Iconic, which I gave a measly 4/8 tentacles.  After testing what the cheaper brand Maybelline had to offer with the Falsies Volume Express, I can honestly say that I think I should go back and give the Dior mascara a MUCH higher rating and that I should always trust my instinct to SPEND MOAR. Because *this* Maybelline mascara? Is total and complete crap. 

As I mentioned before the jump, I am between mascaras. I also have the tendency to buy expensive things. I think nothing of dropping 48$ on a tube of mascara, however now that I've hung around these other lovely authoresses, I am trying to be more fiscally conservative. *coughcough-fuckingcheap-coughcough* This led me to Wal-Mart once more (and you people wonder why I've been crying a lot lately), where I laid eyes on Maybelline's the Falsies Volume Express mascara. It was 5$. FIVE. DOLLARS. And I figured "Hey, why not? I tried a cheap thing before and it worked out pretty fucking swell! And that was Maybelline, too! How could this possibly backfire??"

What a joke. I was getting ready for work the next morning when I pulled the curved brush out of the tube. I should mention that this stuff is not waterproof - which is exactly what I wanted, since I wasn't planning on swimming in makeup. The mascara was gooped on the brush. Just in CLUMPS, so I scraped it off the best I could back into the tube and used kleenex to clean the rest off. Then I started again with a fresh and clean brush. I dipped it into the tube. Same result. Gross. So I tried applying it, where I noticed that the brush itself wasn't very rigid. In fact it was quite flimsy. I stood back after finishing the application, and it looked like someone had taken an especially dark, strategically placed poop on my lashes. 400 times the volume, my arse.

I washed my face and kept trying. Surely the consistency would get better, right? Wrong. After 8 tries, I tossed it in the garbage and went back to Dior Iconic, because at least I knew it went on nicely. This "the Falsies" tube of fail was the biggest waste of 5 dollars ever. And I've lost a five dollar bill to a really big rat with a foaming mouth in Seoul, South Korea. This product gets inked. 

Rating: 0/8 tentacles


  1. I've found that an in-between mascara works for me. Not cheap (because they tend to irritate t he hell out of my eyes) and not expensive (because I'm poor), but something in between. Clinique's runs about $11 each and they're pretty awesome for me. You should try them!

  2. No matter what brand of mascara I buy, I never go for the curvy brushes. Neither the really thin ones or the rubber ones. I buy Maybelline (and sometimes L'oreal) cause, well, I'm also broke and can't afford anything else, but I always buy the ones that have full, straight brushes. Right now I'm using the Classic Volume Express from Maybelline and it is great. I have really long but few eyelashes and with this one I barely have to apply any and makes my eyes just pop.

  3. I'm really surprised by this! This is actually my new go-to cheap mascara. I find that it goes on with no clumps and has amazing coverage and lengthening. I totally love it. Huh.