Figgy's Perfume Carousel of Madness: The Adventure Begins

Figgy

Confession: Sometimes I've ordered from Sephora just to get the free samples. Specifically, the tiny little bottles of perfume samples. I'm addicted to the little things. I like to collect them and use the ones I like in turns, and I like making fun of the horrible ones.

I have a box full of them, so I decided to pull them out and write gut-reaction, terribly misinformed and possibly offensive reviews of each. They probably won't be helpful at all. I mean, perfume is completely objective. But you should still listen to me.

All I needed was to dip my hand in the box, a special reserve of snark and to wait a while before the next sniff so as not to get 'perfume head'. I might've just made that up.

Let's go.


PINK SUGAR by Aquolina

Holy effing crap. This smells like nearly-burnt cotton candy. It's overpoweringly sweet. Why would you want to smell like you covered yourself in corn syrup? Got a bee-sting fetish? A boyfriend with a scary fetish for cotton candy? WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SMELL LIKE THAT.

Get it if...you want to smell like you work as a carnie who shills cotton candy to ravenous hordes for 10 hours straight. Or if you want to smell really creepy clown, to attract children.

MISS DIOR CHERIE by Dior

It's sharp, sweet and very girly. It smells pink and sweet and fancy. Preppy.

Get it if.. You want to smell like a cute little rich girl with a tiny fluffy puppy in her purse and you like wearing a pink beret and thinking that the whole world loves you and how pretty your shoes look when you go shopping for $400 camis.

FLORA by Gucci

Oooh I actually like this one! I know that Gucci likes to sell this as a Bridal perfume, and I can totally see that.It's wonderfully fresh and soft, and not overpowering. It's kind of harmless, but that could also mean forgettable and unremarkable.

Get it if... You are getting married and are the kind of ridiculous bride that gets a bottle of perfume specifically for your wedding day because it is YOUR DAY and you can spend as much as you want including getting Le Gilded Troufle to do your food even though they cost more than your parents' house but if they LOVE YOU THEY WILL GET YOU WHAT YOU WANT even though you kinda hate your fiance but you just want to have a wedding and smell like Gucci flowers, dammit.

Just kidding. This smells really nice. I kinda want to spray it on my pillow.

MISS PUCCI by Pucci

Poooo-cheeeeeeeeee. I love saying that. This smells kinda peppery and sweet, but in a nice way. It's very hip and fun and definitely not for the shy. It gets a little too sweet for me, and I can see it bothering me after a while. It's kinda powerful.

Get it if...You're a 20 year old college girl getting your degree in something REALLY important like "Communications" but really what you wanna do is go to that super hot club in your strip-of-cloth that is sparkly and you dare call a t-shirt, but you're a nice girl and you want to dance on the counter but you won't because you're not a slut, but you still want someone to pay attention to you.

DAISY by Marc Jacobs

It's very sweet, nice and soft. Flowery. Makes me think of sunshine and flowers and all that sappy shit. I've actually considered getting this one but it's a bit too girly-girl for me. The bottle is adorable, though. It just smells fresh and happy, which is good if you're looking for a soft perfume to wear at the office.

Get it if...You live near a flower meadow through which you stroll in utter happiness in a white flowery gown while your blonde hair flutters in the wind and sunshine and everything is happy as shit and the sun shines down on all your happiness and god, get a room, you're making me nauseous with how goddamn pretty you are.

PRIVET BLOOM by Hampton Sun

This shit smells like a hedge.

Get it if...You're a hedge. And need a companion.