Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Fake Men You'd Like To Bone For Real

Burt Farlander - Away We Go

Oh, Burt! You are so very adorable! It isn't just that you bear a striking resemblance to my love John Krasinski, though that helps, but it's also your sweet nature I find attractive. You are a man who is truly excited to be a father, one who is keen to better himself and do whatever it takes to make your partner happy. It doesn't hurt that you aren't afraid to go, ahem, downtown. If you were a real dude, Burt Farlander, I would steal you away so quickly that it would make your twee beard spin. I think you're precious. - Pinky

Chris Knight - Real Genius

I had a hard time narrowing this one down, guys. I watch a LOT of movies. But my mind kept coming back to one character: Chris Knight in "Real Genius," played by Val Kilmer. He's brilliant, but he only uses his brains for good. He's charming and handsome - Val Kilmer was a golden god in his day. But most importantly? He's a wise-cracking free spirit in search of a good time. With him, I'd never be bored. - Mel Biv Devoe

Rennie - Passion Fish

I swear that for years, David Strathairn was one of those best kept secrets. You know, that excellent and hot actor about whom a lucky few of us knew. In 1992's Passion Fish, he played a jack-of-all-trades, former bad boy with a delightful Cajun accent. His innocent flirting with Mary McDonald's May Alice was just sweet enough to win her heart and yours. The fact that he was married and therefore off limits, just added to his allure. So you can keep your pretty boys, I'm claiming Rennie for myself. I'll take the man who's good with his hands and has a charming accent. - Tamatha

Colonol Brandon - Sense and Sensibility

Colonel Brandon from Sense and Sensibility is the dreamiest dreamboat that was ever dreamed. He loves Marianne Dashwood so, so much that he willingly steps aside when she falls in love with another guy (who turns out to be a massive douche, but nevermind), just so she can be happy. And his sad, sad eyes! And the way he looks at her for the first time, when he just stands there in the doorway and you can SEE his heart melting and exploding at the same time? Aaaaah! Alan Rickman has never been more wonderful. - Figgy

Beck - The Rundown

Beck from The Rundown is all that is man. He's big, he's tough, he can take on about seven jungle fighters and stay standing, he's … well, he's The Rock and if you think that I scrolled through The Rock's IMDB credits until I found a role that didn't have him in a tutu, you're not entirely wrong. But I have seen "The Rundown" in all it's glorious cheesiness and find it an excellent weekend movie with a nice blend of action and humor. Plus, The Rock. Mmmmmmmmm, pecs. - Rusty

Daniel Miller - Defending Your Life

Daniel Miller (Albert Brooks) of Defending your Life. He's a sweet, funny man who was always a little too scared to do the things he really wanted to. But then he falls in love with the extremely charming Meryl Streep and SPOILER ALERT finally becomes the man he always wanted to be. - Park

Christian - Moulin Rouge!

Oh, Christian. Sweet, sad, soulful Christian. This is a man who believes in the power of love - above all things - to triumph every obstacle. Not only is he unafraid to commit to his lady, he calls Satine out on her bullshit for not wanting to be in a relationship and her disparaging attitude towards love (which, I’ll admit is sort of warranted, as she is in the trade of selling her body to the night. But anyway!) He sings beautifully about their romance in a super sexy voice and wears suspenders and scarves and hats like a BOSS. Also? Christian’s adoration for Satine never feels creepy or forced. It’s totally earnest and true, and it’s the one constant that anchors the whirling, hyper-visual film. And my lady boner. - Nora

Jareth the Goblin King - Labyrinth

Lately it seems that I have a raging case of the stupids. I thought and I thought and I thought but could not think of who my dream man from the movies is. So I decided, screw all of this thinking, I want to be a queen. My dream man is Jareth the Goblin King. Yeah. I mean, do I have to even explain this one? Okay, fine. First of all, David Bowie. Second of all, he's the Goblin King so if he's my man that makes me the Goblin Queen. Sure there might be better realms I could rule over, but whatever. I have the title of Queen and my subjects run the all of the banks in the wizarding world. (Yes, I know that's Harry Potter, but this is my story so shush.) Anyway, the Goblin King also has a totally bitchin' wardrobe of tight tights and cloaks with cool collars and he would always be bringing me gifts. Is he the perfect guy? No way. I mean, he would probably want to steal my brother, but every guy has his flaws, right? Plus, he's totally better than my first choice for this, which was Gary Oldman's Dracula, who I only decided against because he would most likely kill me. - Dixie

Brodie - Mallrats

Jason Lee BEFORE the crazy Scientology horrfyingness. Who on earth could resist the crazy rantings (THE ESCALATOR RANT, ANYONE? "Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.") from a guy horribly heartbroken but too man-boyish to acknowledge it? Certainly not I. Look, Brodie has the body type I go for every time: lean, pasty white boy...the greasy long hair, the smart-ass grin. It's like Jebus made him for me. He completely sealed the love-deal when he spent the entire day listening to his bitch friend whine about his love life, and even going as far to con their way on to the mall-dating show so his friend could win back his ex. And, in spite of himself, win back his own girl from smarmy Ben Affleck. Ok, I can't even write any more than that because if you don't get it...YOU JUST DON'T GET ME, MAN. - MetricJenn


  1. OK Krasinksi's beard looks like a nest of grossness!

  2. Listen, Figgy Margarita Encantada Puta Figgarita! YOU KNOW BEARDS ARE CRAZY THINGS FULL OF MAGIC AND LEFTOVER FOODS!