Wednesday, February 15, 2012

March InStyle Magazine: Heinous Clothes Are Allegedly Trendy!

Pinky McLadybits

Jennifer Aniston is the cover girl for a ginormous March issue of InStyle. It's a 552 page MEGA-ISSUE! 6 Steps to Spring Cleaning Your Wardrobe! 50 AMAZING NEW SHOES! Hot New Makeup Colors (fluorescent beige, Figgy's favorite?). I'm hoping that 352 of these pages aren't ads, but I'm not holding my breath. 

28 advertisements, 27 over two pages, equaling 55 pages of ads total before the table of contents. Then 2-3 ads between each page of the contents. Seriously, three or four spreads of ads between one page of content.

Just so you know, 90% of readers hate the wet hair look, 86% want us to wear high waists and think it looks polished, 41% are stoked about bolder eyebrows, and 40% are excited about pleats. 100% of readers are also excited about Mom Jeans, chola brows, Mom skirts, and dry hair.

This issue is mega! Mega-boring!

Diane Von Furstenburg created collections for Baby Gap and Gap Kids. YAY! A $60 dress for a toddler! SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST IDEA TO ME!

Hmm, single serving wine in environmentally friendly packaging? Like, Big Joe serving or regular serving? Because I need a Big Joe serving, kids. Especially for $5 a serving when I can buy a bottle for $11 or less. TWO BUCK CHUCK 4EVA!

Did you know that Jessica Alba founded the Honest Company, an eco-friendly cleaning product company? Nor did I. $36 a month for a subscription to the products. I haven't any snark for this. Huh.

One of InStyle's brain-stimulating questions gave me information that Adam Scott was a chubby kid called Spanky by his Little League teams. Fat hedgehog! Also, Busy Philipps's real first name is Elizabeth!

Designer Rachel Roy answers questions for three fashion victims this month! One wants to know how to wear PURPLE SUEDE OVER-THE-KNEE BOOTS without looking like a hooker. Another wants to know how to wear a teal blazer with RHINESTONE BUTTONS. The last wants to wear crazy patterned tights. My advice? BUY A MIRROR.

We have a spread of the dresses worn at the Golden Globes, but haven't we all pretty much seen them all and judged them at this point? I will say that I think people are confused about Rooney Mara not actually being Lisbeth Salander. I mean, InStyle points out her "haunted eyes" when it was probably just called her "vacant, dead-eyed stare" when she was in that shitty A Nightmare on Elm Street remake.

They highlight a sleeveless blazer and pair it with some orange pants. If you're trying to tell me that only Carol Brady can wear the sleeveless blazer, you've succeeded. 

Continuing the Mom Jeans trend, InStyle wants to tell you how to acheive Meg Ryan's look from 1987. Loafers, peglag pants, and a cardigan. Do not want.

Also do not want these ugly "sporty" clothes. Gross.

I think that Berry Lips is probably the only trend in this issue that doesn't look like 1988 is trying to assimilate me into a cult of high-waisted pants, day-glo colors, puke-worthy prints, and loafers. You'll never take me alive, 1988, you BASTARD. Uh-oh. It looks like 1991 is coming for me too, with rope necklaces in orange, blue, and other bright colors.

Emily Blunt has a little interview in this issue. I can't help but notice that she doesn't mention Krasinski at all, yet she doesn't speak of him. COME TO ME, KRASINSKI!

The best part of this issue is the spread on backstage Oscar photos. Russell Brand and Helen Mirren eating bananas! A beautiful photo of Sandra Bullock in the red Vera Wang. All very nice.

Kristen Scott Thomas looks stunning in her spread as well, trumping the boring and predictable Aniston photos. KST is elegant, striking, and I want to be her when I grow up. Rose Byrne's photos only serve to remind me of how painfully thin she seems, all angles and beautiful face. Kerry Washington looks beautiful as well, with purple lips even!

And I'm spent! Yeesh, that was painful, but it was huge! (That's what she said.)

1 comment:

  1. Ok first, stop trying to make the 80s come back! We all (rightfully) mocked the fashion after they were over, so let's not go back, k? Second, I call an eco-friendly single serving of wine "a bottle." Bada ching!