Thursday, December 8, 2011

Wow, is There Ever Egg on *My* Face. Or: A Lush Face Mask Gone Horribly Awry.

Metric Jenn

Are there any natural ingredients enthusiasts out there in Hot Ink land today? Because I've got a bone to pick with you. Aren't natural ingredients supposed to NOT irritate my skin? Isn't that the whole premise?! To get away from harsh chemicals and become one with the earth once more? That's what all those filthy hippies at the Lush store keep telling me, as strong - no: overwhelming - scents assault my nasal cavity. The answer to those questions is "Yes." you say?

Well then, WHY does my face look like someone tried to put out a forest fire with a screw driver?

And don't say it's because I'm Canadian. We gave you Ryan Gosling. Show some respect!
I was in the Lush store last week, because I'd forgotten how much I love their soaps. So I picked up Bohemian and The Godmother, and was about to make my purchase, when I lazily browsed past the refrigerator close to the rear of the store. It held face masks. I fucking LOVE face masks. I will try the $1.99 cheap drug store kinds, all the way up to the $150 ├╝ber-crazy spa facial kinds. I got super-excited. I may have even done a little jig, provoking the staff to just leave me alone while hovering over their phones in case the need to call security at any further sign of mental instability became necessary.

After reading every single package with extreme scrutiny, I settled on Cosmetic Warrior. It sounded perfect for my needs. I agreed with the packaging! I do have break-out prone skin! I *do* tend to over-clean, leaving my skin irritated! My god! It's like they see into my SOUL.  And for $6.95/2.1oz, I was sold. I brought it home, threw it in the fridge, walked the dog and came back home to become a clean-skinned suburban yuppie hippie.

A quick face wash later, and I was prepped to go. I slathered it on my face, and it felt cool and relaxing. Then the smell hit me. Eggs. But...not delicious breakfast eggs...more like, green eggs and ham gone horribly awry in the Saw version of a Dr. Seuss book. It was so bad that I took my swimming nose plug and clipped my nostrils shut. Anyways, 10 minutes later, I washed it off, and threw on my regular Body Shop Tea Tree moisturizer. Then I derped around my place, watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then went to brush my teeth before bed.

When I looked in the mirror, I discovered a most disturbing sight. Blemishes. EVERYWHERE. And not just one or two. I'm talking like 5 just around my nose. 3 on my jaw line, I even had them on the apple parts of my cheekbones! I *love* my cheekbones! THEY ARE HIGH, AND DEFINED AND DESERVE THE BEST. And I let them down. I gave my cheekbones whiteheads. In penance, I have pretty much flayed the skin off my back like the monks of old. Skin grafts may be a necessity, Lush, and not just on my back. All because of your hippie product that smelled of Satan's Rotting Butthole.
Thanks, Google image search. Mitt Romney does fit the description of Satan's Rotting Butthole.

Oh, and did I mention that I even got a super-painful blemish in my eyebrow? MY EYEBROW. This product gets INKED. But to be totally honest, I wish I could NAPALM this product. 0/8 Tentacles, and a sincere wish that it would be discontinued and for the creator to die in a fire.

Rating: 0/8 tentacles

1 comment:

  1. OK, so here's the thing about those "harsh chemicals" in "non-natural" beauty products:
    1)Everything is made up of chemicals. Every natural thing can be broken down into non-natural-sounding chemical names. So all those "unnatural" sounding chemicals in the ingredients lists of beauty products? They're just the chemical names of perfectly natural things, or parts of perfectly natural things.
    2)The reason that so many pure ingredients were altered or broken down for use in beauty products over the years is BECAUSE they cause reactions in people. Beauty companies have spent decades researching(and, yes, unfortunately many cute bunnies and other critters suffered in the process, which thankfully doesn't happen anymore) ways to break down pure ingredients to remove the stuff that causes allergic reactions or other sensitivities while keeping the positive effects of the ingredient intact.
    So, in conclusion, "natural" does not necessarily mean "not harmful". Sharks are natural. E-coli is natural. Arsenic is natural. Natural stuff will still hurt you.