Why So Serious? (Dry Those Eyes)

Author: Metric Jenn

I've been crying a lot lately. I will not disclose the reasons, but instead offer you this picture as an insight into my tortured soul:

Do you see the pain and angst?

Yes, it's true. I am the sad clown. The sad, sad, talented clown. But I digress. On to what I'm here for: Education tinged with bitterness and aided by a small vocabulary. So let me begin by saying that I am the world's ugliest crier. My face turns red, my eyes redden-up like a meth-head's, there's a blue vein that throbs in my forehead, my nose weeps snot like a toddler's on an average Tuesday, and the tears are like acid trails down my cheeks. If I weren't too embarrassed, I'd take a photo of myself right now. I'm not, though. BECAUSE I STILL HAVE MY DIGNITY. Just barely.

Anyhow, with a giant messy cry baby like myself, I've been in need of some quick fixes so as to make myself presentable. And here are 3 of my favourite tips, some of which you may already know. And should you have any new or interesting ways to share, please enlighten me, because Sweet Melancholy Thom Yorke, I will probably need them in the future.

1) Tea bags. And I know that you're all saying "Yeah, yeah, that's old news." Shut up and listen for like 3 more sentences! Dampen them (don't soak them) and refrigerate them. It helps to have several of them lined up, because they warm up to room temperature fairly fast. The coolness combined with the tannins makes this a great way to reduce swelling. They also absorb the sodium released from your tears, which can irritate your eyes further, prolonging the swelling.

Not quite the pennies needed to pay Cheron to cross the river
Styx, but it'll do after a good sob-fest.

2) Potatoes, Cucumbers, or Apples. Again, refrigerated. The cool temperature itself helps reduce swelling as we all know, but each of these food items, sliced and placed on your eyes contain no sodium, and are sources of the right kind of moisture for your now-dehydrated eyes.

He's still pissed at me because I cut 2 slices off of his wife.
Don't ask me from which part.

3) Egg Whites. Here's where it gets tricky, and I use this only as a last resort, and certainly not if I'll be in public in the foreseeable future...Grab 2 eggs from the fridge and separate the whites from the yolks (durrr...egg whites...I know, I'm stating the obvious), then whip them up until stiff (that joke is just too easy, so I'll let you all go there while I rest comfortably over here). Apply with a brush to the eye area, but be careful to not get any in your eyes. I usually just keep it underneath the eye after an unfortunate accident with this remedy. I have an eye-patch collection. And not because I've dressed up as a pirate for Halloween.The egg whites will tighten up the skin under your eyes, and once again the coolness with help with the swelling.

I know how they REALLY lost their eyes.

I truly hope that you never have to use these remedies, but life gives you highs and lows. And sometimes it's good to be prepared for the lows. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go refrigerate some more tea bags and poor a nice tall glass of Healing Tonic. Or as most people call it: Gin.