Dude, Where's My Bar of Soap: Suave Men 3-in-1

Author: Nora

Hey there, ladies. Sidles up next to computer. How you doin' tonight? Can I buy you a drink? Casually leans over, tucks a wisp of hair back behind your ear. Mmm. You smell nice. Real nice. Nice and clean. Did you wash your pants with Windex? Wink. Because I'm pretty sure I can see myself in them. Hey-o! High fives a bro that has appeared out of nowhere.

...Sorry about that. I don't know what's come over me. It's like I'm stuck in a bad rom-com sequel opposite Mel Gibson, What Women Don't Want You to Say to Them, and I'm a pert blonde lady who grapples with gender identity and dating etiquette. Or maybe it's just that I'm fresh off a week of using Suave Men 3-in-1 Shampoo+Conditioner+Bodywash and I just want you all to bask in my suave manliness. Actually, using this product did not make me any more sexist than I already was. Maybe just a bit more coarse.

I consider myself a pretty adaptable person, which is why when deciding what to bring for a week-long stay at my boyfriend's family's house halfway across the country, I didn't bother with many toiletries. Deoderant, Aquaphor, face lotion, and a few ounces of perfume were all the liquids I risked in my carry-on bag, along with my toothbrush and a pair of tweezers. (By the way, I've never had a problem getting this stuff onto a plane, so either the TSA doesn't care anymore, or I am unwittingly awesome at stealth packing. What's that sound? Probably my name getting added to a no-fly list.) Since it was to be my first time meeting everyone, I wanted to strike a balance between looking awesome and feeling comfortable around them. I didn't want to be a fussy houseguest, so I made sure I looked nice for the plane ride, picked a few of my favorite products and left it at that. I didn't bother with my usual shampoo and conditioner, even though I have hair that looks sort of gross if I don't use certain products. Nor did I pack a bar of Dove, which is pretty much the only thing my skin tolerates. My thought process was that if my hair started looking greasy after a few days, hopefully I would have made a strong enough first impression as a generally clean person, or better yet, as someone who has good table manners and loves their son.

The first night, I stepped into the shower with a sigh of relief. It had been a Big Day, and I was exhausted. By habit I plucked the bottle stashed in the corner ledge of the shower. Suave Men 3-in-1 Shampoo+Conditioner+Bodywash. "Hmm," I thought as I uncapped it. I was at a crossroads. There was a green bar of soap on the ledge also, and a bottle of regular Suave shampoo. I was feeling a mixture of emotions, but they were bland and indistinguishable. There was a little hesitation, a little trepidation, a little bit of, "This might make my hair feel gross," as well as, "This smells nice, like a man."

The scent can best be described as Men's Deodorant. You know what I'm talking about, that sort of generic woodsy smell with a hint of citrus? It's prevalent but not overpowering like some other drugstore men's body products (I'm looking at you, Axe). I shrugged, squeezed some Shamditionash into my palm, and lathered up. What did I have to lose? Besides, I was intrigued by the marketing. "Hey there fellas, personal hygeine can be tough, and we know you like to keep things simple. RUB THIS EVERYWHERE."

The bodywash aspect was as body-washy as you can get. Regular amount of lather, aforementioned woodsy/citrus scent (which, by the way, you barely notice after toweling off). I was wary of putting the stuff in my hair, though. I have long hair prone to tangles, and though abundant, it's super fine. I don't usually put conditioner on my scalp, since that makes it look extra greasy, but I didn't have much of a choice since everything was mixed together. The soap felt like a thick lotion, and it didn't lather too much once on my hair. I'm not sure if that's significant, but it was something I noticed, since it probably wasn't meant for long hair. It did get rid of some tangles in the shower, but it didn't make combing my hair any easier afterwards.

As for how my hair looked the next day, I have to say I was pretty surprised. It felt a bit coarse, but it looked alright, and it stayed relatively grease-free until the evening. Over the course of the week it got progressively weirder the more I washed it, but that might have been due to a change in altitude and weather. It did become much coarser though, which did not surprise me, as it seemed to be a direct correlation between the number of sulfates the product contains. The ingredient list basically goes: water, lots of sulfates, dyes, and a few amino acids. Not exactly what you want to be putting all over your entire body every day. Still, I didn't mind using it for a week. My only expectation for it was pretty much, "I expect this to make me sort of clean," and it fully delivered. It's nothing I'd spend money on, but I can see how it might appeal to a guy who doesn't have a problem with sulfates, or a minimalist who prefers the seductive simplicity of the 3-in-1 bottle to a bath shelf crowded with soaps for different body regions.

Rating: 3/8 tentacles