Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Total Body Rapid Cleanse: A Wonderful Product That Reveals Terrible Truths


I like to think of myself as a good person: I recycle, I donate to charities that don't accost me on the street and I've helped many people move over the years.  That sounds like an all around decent type, right?

Well, it turns out under that mask of normality I'm a seething mass of weird and creepy.  I'm a secondary character in a David Lynch movie.  I'm the villain in a silent film, but instead of tying women to railroad tracks I lie and cheat to get my hands on fried foods and cheeseburgers.

Much like Hot Ink favorite Liz Lemon, I have a problem with junk food.  I love it more than people, which, despite my occasional flirtations with cynicism, I love quite a lot.  I thought it would be an excellent idea to deal with my overindulgence in all food craptacular by doing a cleanse.  It was going to be a series for Hot Ink.  However, when I looked at journal entries and each one simply spoke about how ashamed I was at not doing the cleanse properly, I knew that a witty look at better eating was not in the cards.  Instead, after one day of "eating properly" and then crying like a character in a daytime soap that just realized that their twin sister slept with their husband I realized this was going to be much harder then I thought.

Yes, Total Body Rapid Cleanse probably does everything its supposed to.  Not to be too gross, but it definitely cleared me out well.  In fact I spent most of my cleanse week at events that had nearby, nice bathrooms.  No dive bars for this girl.  Not for any particular desire to be classy, but if I was going to have to spend that much time in a bathroom, it better be nice.  Also, the idea of being at some place that was too lazy/cheap to ensure that their bathroom was properly stocked with toilet paper haunted my dreams.

I'm sure that the average person would do very well on this program.  In fact if you have any sense at all you probably wouldn't choose to do this program during an extremely stressful time.  And even if you did, you would realize that a week isn't a very long time and would stop shovelling pizza and french fries down your throat like you were 11 years old and in your very own version of Home Alone.

However, I think that the average person who does this cleanse may be missing something. Yes, they may have the feeling of pride of realizing that they've done something positive for their health.  Or they might enjoy the symbolic beginning of a new stage in their life or the satisfaction of readying their body for the summer ahead.  But, will they get the brisk slap in the face of realizing just how weak their willpower is and how that is reflected in the myriad of decisions they make everyday.  Will they get to make a realization so terrible and important that it should be narrated by Werner Herzog?  Will they almost crap their pants waiting for four girls who all decided to use the same stall (?!) in the bathroom at 60s retro night?  No, no surely they will not.

Almost crapping my pants aside, I would highly recommend this product.  Its easy to use, the pills and powders have a barely perceptible flavour and any side effects I had were purely my own fault.  Friends who aren't ridiculous have also used the product and found that it left them feeling less tired, and "clean".  

If you follow the instructions and don't behave like a giant child, I am sure you will get a lot out of this product.  You will probably feel healthier and be proud of yourself for making the first step in a journey to be healthier.  Or maybe you're already healthy and you're all like "Woot, I'll just do this for fun before I run a half-marathon and then donate my time to several children's charities".  Listen, I don't know your life.

For those of us with a little (ha!) less self control, this product is a great way to get a feeling for just how much we stress eat and just how far we have to go and dear God, when did I start eating this chocolate bar?  I don't even remember picking it up.

I give the product 6 tentacles for being high quality and shining a spotlight on my weaknesses.

Rating: 6/8 tentacles

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