Friday, December 16, 2011


Pinky McLadybits

Someone always does it. You spend time carefully choosing the perfect gift for someone. You attempt to buy something that isn't pre-packaged and shitty for your family's or office's Yankee Swap. Alas, you go home with an opened package of Reese's Cups and a set of garish holiday mugs. That's some horseshit right there.

So, I give you a list of things that you should never purchase for someone (unless they specifically ask for it or you hate them), avoiding being The One That Sucks At Gifts. 
1. Chia Pet 

This was funny when they came out during the Dawn of the Universe, but no one is laughing now. It says Handmade Decorative Planter, but is should say Idiotically Shaped Crap With Green Crap Growing On It. No one wants these and you might get a Chia Pet-sized hole in your windshield for your idiocy.

It might seem like a good idea to buy someone a scraper that purports to heat up while being plugged into their car outlet. It isn't. Do you know why? Because it doesn't motherf*cking work. First, how awkward is it to plug this bastard in and then maneuver around the windshield with it? Secondly, you can generally get one of these for less than $10 and definitely less than $20. Because it is flimsy plastic and doesn't work. 

3. A Nosehair Trimmer

Here's a gift that says, "Hey! Happy Holidays! Every time I speak with you or look at you, I grow terrified that your nose hairs will gain sentience and attack my face in order to propagate their species! Enjoy!"

4. Decorated Piggy Banks

Are you buying for an 8 year old girl? No? THEN DON'T. This also applies to decorated rubber duckies, things with feathers glued to them, sparkly items that aren't nail polish or awesome shoes, and anything that wouldn't look out of place in an old episode of Clarissa Explains It All.

5. Anything From a Giftshop in an Airport

No one needs these things. That's why they're sold in a place where you have nothing but time and the urge to make someone else as miserable as you are at that moment. Jerk.

These are just a few of the things I saw online and don't even cover horrible crap I've received (family might read this!). How about you? What is the shittiest gift someone could give you this season?


  1. My aunt bought me a silver plated rabbit figure for Christmas one year. This was when I was in high school. Long before I owned a rabbit, not that I'd want it now any more than I did then, but at least you could get why she'd think "oh, Katie likes rabbits."

  2. HA! Never tell people that you like anything that you don't want to receive as a gift every year from now until FOREVER!!