Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Holidays Are For Gifts & Weight Fears!:The December 2011 Issue of InStyle

Pinky McLadybits

Amy Adams is this month's InStyle cover girl. I like her, even though my husband would leave me in a second just to touch her face. She was the best thing about that horrible Museum movie with the things waking up and she was a pure badass in The Fighter. So. He could do worse.

The cover promises the "BEST DRESSES, TRENDS & OMGs OF 2011". Huh. It also declares that I can "EAT, DRINK, and DON'T GAIN A POUND THIS SEASON!" So the cover is basically yelling lies at me. 

This is not a good start, magazine that I don't remember ordering. Not good at all.
Clinique has moisturizing lip color called a chubby stick. I'm simultaneously giggling at the name and wondering when someone will decide it needs to be boycotted because it intimates that fat people can be used for moisturizer.

I care so little about any part of the new Superman movie that isn't Henry Cavill's body that I totally forget that Amy Adams will be playing Lois Lane. Thanks, InStyle, for reminding me that there will be something other than man candy in that movie.

So far, so boring. BUT THEN! I see the BCBGMAXAZRIA holiday gift guide ad. Your friends are all stereotypes and BCBGMAXAZRIA knows just what they want! The voice of reason wants a $135 watch or maybe some $38 earmuffs. TOTALLY REASONABLE. Your large and in charge friend wants $28 coasters or maybe a $38 dog leash. Does she have a dog? DOESN'T MATTER. Look! Wild Card, Bitches! She wants an ugly, neon-fringed handbag for $148! And...a...$30 mask? 'Kay. Charm school friend would like a $160 clutch that looks like wadded panties with a clasp. Because of the charm. Your soul sister would love a $298 studded tote. Please also note, all of your friends are white.

Here's a guide to what kind of popcorn to eat with which movie. Midnight in Paris: Black Truffle Popcorn for $45. The Help: Caramel Apple. The Hangover Part II: Beer Popcorn. Mr. Popper's Penguins: Tuxedo Popcorn. Get it? HAHAHAHAH! PENGUINS ARE WEARING TUXEDOS!! That's probably funnier than that whole sad mess of a movie.

According to Pinterest and this magazine, applying glitter to your pumps transforms them into Perfect Party Pumps. And a 4 year old's dream shoes!

InStyle asked celebrities their favorite color. Seriously. They may have gussied it up by calling it a "signature color", but we all know what it means. (Halle Berry likes cream and black. No one said paisley.)

The Style 100 is so damn boring. It's only really reminding me of all the fashion missteps that will likely continue into the new year, like bold colors and green jeans. Gross.

I almost didn't recognize Josh Holloway without his longish Sawyer hair and face stubble! Or the scowl! So. Hot. He and Jeremy Renner will be the only reason I watch the new Mission Impossible movie. HA! It says here that he was in Aerosmith's "Cryin'" video! Heee!

Designer Rachel Roy tells us what she's buying for people for the Holidays. Her father gets $225 eyeglass frames that are yellow and ugly. Her daughter's teachers get $85 thorn apple-scented candles, her colleagues get a $45 box of cookies, and her kids get animal-shaped erasers for $1 each. What's a thorn apple?

Host gifts from Rachel Bilson: The Famous InStyle Expensive Candle Party keeps going with a $65 James de Givnechy (there's your problem) Taffin candle. How about recipe cards, 6 for $12? A three-piece cheese knife set for $32? Maybe. Probably not. 

There is a page advising you on how to dress like Diane Lane did in 1987. Why would I do that? I don't want to do that.

Oh, man. On their Party Dresses feature they have a splatter-painted dress with horrible sleeves for $595. It wasn't cute in the 80s or the 90s and it isn't cute now. Stop it.

And now to find out how to survive the holidays without gaining any weight! Let's see..."keep your pants tight and your shoes flat"? Um, okay..."pre-party with food". I...what? "Dress sexy"? This is terrible advice! If you think that looking good or wearing tight pants will keep me away from the pie, you are sadly mistaken. 

Expensive Candle Alert! Eva Mendes likes a $60 one from Diptyque!

The least expensive thing in the gift guide? $12-$18 charms for an $18 necklace. Most expensive? A $2,325 Hermes stainless steel watch with a silk strap. Bonus: Least expensive dog leash? $30. Most expensive? $98. To be fair, there is another spread about 50 gifts under $50. But one of those is a personalized Heinz Ketchup bottle.

And here is where I leave you, as I cannot plow through the last hundred or so pages left. Good lord. Until next time, keep an eye open for people with $60 candles, so that you may punch them in the part of their brain that made that decision.

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