Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Things I Learned From the November 2011 Issue of InStyle

Author: Pinky McLadybits

Guess what I got in the mail today? The November issue of InStyle magazine. After writing about the magazine last month, I wasn't surprised to see it this month. Sweet.

Let me begin with a confession of my adoration for Gwen Stefani. I love her in No Doubt. I liked some of her solo stuff. I've grabbed her husband's ass (True story. It was tight!) and I find him very sexy. Her kids are adorable and I want her to be my best friend, help me dress, teach me how to wear makeup, and give me the secret to working heels at a playground. Gwen? Call me! I promise I'll leave Gavin's ass alone!

Most likely.

Ad: There is an awesome fold-out ad for the Harajuku Mini line Gwen designed for Target. I am buying my daughter some of these outfits, as long as they don't disappear like that Missoni stuff. 

Does anyone read the Editor's Note in these things? No? Me either.

Reader Poll: Apparently, 70% of readers think is is "thumbs down" to shop with a husband or boyfriend. They illustrate this with the Bieber and Selena Gomez. I wonder how much sway the photo of the odd twosome had on the results?

Ad: Britney Spears has another fragrance out, this one is called Radiance. The bottle looks like it was bedazzled by a fifth grader during art class. It smells like that fifth grader too.

What's Now Parties!: Did you know about the 13th Annual Day of Indulgence? I didn't either, but celebrities that are able to indulge all the time observed it with a ladies-only luncheon, shopping, and spa treatments. Celebrities! Just like us!

InStyle Everywhere!: Okay now, this is the second time you've forced me to look at a photo of Bieber and Selena Gomez. I've had it up toMUPPET NAIL POLISHES! OOOOH! I'll take Gone Gonzo and Divine Swine!

The Look: Dear, Lord, it looks like doily dresses are in style. Seriously, all of these ladies (Molly Sims, Anna Hathaway, Carey Mulligan, and Transformers 3 Girl) look like they stood for about an hour while a herd of grandmas crocheted their dresses on. Not a good look.

The Emmys: What in the...oh, yeeah! I remember when that was on. Gwyneth Paltrow's dress was stupid when the show aired and it is stupid now. But InStyle is applauding it for the sequins. Perhaps InStyle is edited by that fifth grader I discussed before. Maybe I should have read that Editor's Note...

Man Of Style: Kellan Lutz is the man this month and I was going to talk about how pretty but dense he seems. But then I read this quote, "Twi-moms! I love them, the little cougars." BAHAHAHAHA! BOOM, UPGRADED IN PINKY'S FUNTIME FILE!

your Look: Oh, gawl. Ponchos made of blankets are back in style? Hi, 1997. I missed you. Is Stone Temple Pilots still together and touring in this new timeline?

NEWSFLASH: A $70 striped beanie from Club Monaco is Rachel Bilson's latest obsession! FILM AT 11!

5 Ways to Wake Up Your Work Wardrobe!:
  1. Color! - Um, like this $38 purple calf hair belt!
  2. Sparkle! - As seen on this $425 sequined cardigan!
  3. Lace! - Like the lace on a chain necklace that retails for $158!
  4. Prints! - Leopard dress for $705!
  5. Leather! - The ugliest leather jacket I've ever seen, only $525!
Put them all together and wake up your ENTIRE OFFICE.

One of the Pressing Beauty Questions is: My feet hurt. Help! Come on, ladies, really?

Vanity Sanity: This is actually helpful. I'm surprised too. It even gives tips on how to corral your samples and, Rusty? It isn't in a big box! They also suggest using this awesome Eight Arms hook for your hair dryer.

Deals & Steals: There is a $68 pair of pants that are a bright green and look like old-lady stirrup-without-the-stirrups pants. Plus, $68 for ugly pants is neither a deal nor a steal. DISCUSS.

The Notorious P.I.G.: Yep, Miss Piggy has a photoshoot spread and interview, just like Gwen Stefani. I must say, the pictures of Miss Piggy and her quotes take me back to childhood. Ahhh...

Think Tank: "How can I make my home feel more cozy?" 
  1. Intimate lighting, $1,080.
  2. Jazz CDs, can you even find these in store anymore? $29.
  3. A well-stocked bar with hearty reds, $34 for 2 bottles.
  4. A mohair throw, $350.
  5. Artisanal chocolate, $26.
  6. Candles, $92 for two.
Alas, I would have to be without heat for a while after buying these things, making me happy to have the mohair but less than pleased with the jazz CDs and the intimate lighting. And thus, the magazine is ended, unless you want to know all about the girl from the Footloose remake. And you don't.


  1. "And you don't."


  2. What the hell are those candles made of, the tears of forest sprites, harvested during the full moon on a perfect spring night in a field in a foreign country? Jesus.

  3. Even *I* wouldn't pay 92$ for 2 candles. InStyle is InSane.