Thursday, June 14, 2012

CBRIV: Book#9: The Concubine's Gift by K. Ford K.

Pinky McLadybits

I won this Kindle version of K. Ford K.'s book The Concubine's Gift by replying in time to a Cannonball Read email. I had no expectations or any sort of idea concerning what this book would be about.

I can tell you that a book that begins with the sound of the clicking heels of long dead child prostitutes hasn't exactly ended in the place I thought it would. Not even close. I'm 100% certain I never expected a "sexual psychic" and a town called Valentine to be the subject of this book. 

I expected better writing, but that was not to be. K. Ford K. has attempted some sort of erotic story wherein a stifled and prudish woman is able to embrace sexuality. We get Bernice, who is the woman always taught that sex is wrong and thinking or talking about it is bad. She is deeply prudish, yet she purchases an antique makeup case that belonged to a concubine named Blissful Night for her erotic antique collection (I am not kidding). Inside the makeup case, Bernice finds an aged, wooden container of white powder that she uses on her face. As Nepoleanita said, "Who uses old face powder they find in an antique shop?!?! GROSS." Of course, this concubine's gift is more than a powder that causes flawless skin. It also gives the wearer the ability to see the sexual needs and futures of people.


I didn't like this book. I found the characterizations to be generic. Even background information on characters didn't serve to flesh them out as people. K. Ford K. spent more time concocting her "erotic" fantasies for Bernice to be utterly horrified by than she did on Bernice herself. Just saying that someone blushes a ton isn't characterization. The story of Blissful Night herself was more interesting than any of the other people or stories, but that isn't saying much at all.

I don't even have the words for how stupid I found this book. It is just so bad. Let me share with you some of the worst of this book, as I shared it with my fellow Hot Inkers.

"As her horrified mother watched, Taylor Jay threw back her head and came lightly like a horse shaking its mane." As I read this, I could hear whinnying in my head. 

It has the phrase "her pubis" in one of the erotic visions. HER PUBIS. THAT IS SUPER SEXY.

"Then they astonished themselves by completing the sexual act three times, something they never thought they'd be able to do at their age." Old, fat people have bad sex lives I guess.

There is a character named Trinket and she wears a bracelet with charms from her past lovers. TRINKET. She's always sexing someone and is friends with Bernice. Those two things are unrelated.

There is another friend named Harold. He is gay. He opens a sex shop business. He cries. Um, that's about it.

The antique shop is owned by another friend of Bernice, Mrs. Lin. What is her first name? If it was mentioned I cannot recall it, as Bernice refers to her as Mrs. Lin.

This might be my favorite instance of "what that hell does that have to do with anything?!?!": "...he sprinted as fast as he could back to his Tudor-style house which was next to the country club and overlooked the golf course. Sitting down at the massive dining room table, which was carved from a single tree, he set the jar of face powder down on its well-polished surface and opened the lid." So bad.

Add to that a lack of an actual problem, the horrific spelling and grammar mistakes, and the clumsy attempt to make some idiot a sort of villain, and you have a huge disappointment.


  1. Hah I didn't even notice the part about the table! Why would the richest man in town need to sprint anywhere, especially in the Vegas heat? Did he not have an air conditioned car? Haha.

    1. I pictured him peeking up over a counter, snatching the powder, and then running full out, like Shaggy and Scooby running from a monster.