|My hosiery is bunching! - Cory Matthews|
I bet it is, Cory. And you know why? Because hosiery sucks. Hi, my name is KatSings, and welcome to the first meeting of Pantyhose Haters Not-So-Anonymous.I am of the belief that pantyhose, much like pregnancy, are just more proof that God is a man.
First there’s the issue of trying to put them on. In commercials and movies, this always looks sexy and inviting. In real life, it looks mostly ridiculous, and in my case, frequently involves falling over or punching holes in the damned things while trying to pull them on, usually in the crotch, cause if you are going to add a hole that ruins the whole thing, it might as well make you easy access.
Once you’ve succeeded in actually getting them up over your legs like so much sausage casing, then you are left with the mystery of where to place the top band. I’m a girl who carries the vast majority of my weight like a Santa belly right in front of me. As such, wherever I put the top of my ‘hose, I end up with it pinching in my fat in that section, giving me the look of two hamburger buns without any meat between them. Super hot. If I happened to be smart enough to buy high top ‘hose, this gets a little easier – then it can go right below my bra, ever so like the pants of an 80s nerd. Of course, this success also depends upon my ‘hose staying put – which they don’t. They slide down my torso like a frat boy getting fresh, so I have to keep tugging them up under whatever I’m wearing.
“But KatSings,” you say, “You have pale skin like a dead thing. Surely you must see the benefits in pantyhose covering that up and making your legs appear to be a human color?” First, fuck you. You’re right, but still - rude. I have feelings. Second, I do in fact see this benefit, which is why I continue to wear the blasted things. I also see the benefit of warmth, as I have the worst circulation in the history of time and am therefore always cold. However, that doesn’t make pantyhose NOT the devil – it just means they are occasionally a necessary evil.
Still, I’d rather have pants.
Read Rusty's Pro-Pantyhose Manifesto here and Trouble's Pantyhose Hatred Post here.