Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Metric Jenn Deserves ALL the Gifts.

Metric Jenn

It's mid-November as I write this, and no snow has fallen here in Canada, which is almost unheard of. So when Pinky McLadybits mentioned Christmas, my reaction was along these lines:

And then I realized that the running list in my head of ALL the things that I want to buy could be compiled into the world's most expensive Christmas list. I make no bones about it. I like the finer things, and have no guilt about spending vast quantities of money on myself. Because I'm worth it, dammit. Plus, other people should start recognizing that I'm worth it, too. 

So please peruse this list I've compiled of things that you all should ask for if you have the same taste as I do, because you all are worth it, too. Or feel free to peruse and then laugh hysterically at how some people are willing to spend their hard earned cash.

You know that scene in Arrested Development when Lindsay Bluth is going on about that diamond cream? "A million f**king diamonds, Michael!" Well, that led me to wonder if there were actually such a thing. Of course there is, and now I want it. At 600$/jar, it had better work miracles, but if anyone out there is qualified to review such a product, it's me. Plus, I just want to be able to quote Arrested Development while slathering it on my gorgeous visage.

 I love sunglasses, you all know this since you read my review of my Dior sunglasses. I also have a sort-of collection of designer glasses going. Versace, Dior, Burberry, Chanel...And now Oliver Peoples. I'm also a fan of the over-sized models. Whatever...just buy me these! They're practically free at 280.00$ Don't make me beg.

I'm an 8 1/2. Yes, yes, they are practically monster feet. Never mind my calves are ginormous(ATHLETIC, OK?!?), so that means these boots will have to be stretched for me. These particular boots are beyond comfortable. I've been haunting BCBGMAXAZRIA for weeks now trying them on. The sales people are starting to get annoyed with me, so if someone were to walk into the store and say "tall redhead that likes shoes", they'll do the rest. They cost $395.00, which leaves plenty of room left on your Metric Jenn Gift Buying Budget to buy me that Diamond Cream.

I love sapphires. Forever and always. They seem so regal. I like rubies, too, but sapphires seem to say "class" to me. The only problem is that they are expensive. And I mean that in the way that even *I* find them expensive. That's where my sugar daddy comes in. At $1479.00, this necklace is still within my "reasonable price for jewelry realm" -  yet check this out! It's on sale for $1199.00 online at Zales! At a price like that, you can't go wrong!!

Do you have around $1000.00 to spend? Well then why not spend it on a great work of literature. A first edition book from Roald Dahl. If I need to explain why this is a great gift, then all hope is lost and the Empire might as well be handed over to The Emperor on a silver platter by a kneeling Darth Vader. Books are being replaced by e-readers, which makes them all the more rare and valuable. I am party to the e-reader craze, and will not bash it; but to hold a book, and to smell it is something so wonderful and pure. I hope that future generations have the same experience I did growing up; having my senses bombarded when I walked into a library.

I have had my eye on this bag for about 6 years now. I keep trying to save up money for this purchase, but then get side-tracked by all those awesome sunglasses. It's so *hard* being me! This bag is classic, the leather is ridged on the lower half of the bag in the "epi" style of the Louis Vuitton world. The entire bag is well done, and you can fit a laptop easily into this over-the-shoulder purse. At $2100, it is my goal to own this, even if I go broke in this quest. I will be the most fashionable bum in a van down by the river.

Wine should be savoured and lovingly caress the senses as you drink it down. Riedel has created a gorgeous set of wine glasses that allow the drinker to really experience the wine's bouquet as you take those careful sips (ahem...gulps). This set will run you upwards of $90.00 for a set of 4, and the decanter I want is around $200.00. This is one of the cheapest gifts on my list, but I still truly feel bad for my friends and family. They pretty much have to take out a second mortgage to please me.

My dog is spoiled. I never intended for Babyshoes Gob Murphy the 4th to be so indulged, but one day I realized...this dog has it better than most small children. There is only one area in this puppy's life that is lacking in luxury; the doggie bed. Shoes is currently confined to one of those plastic-y kennels. It just won't do! And so I feel that $263.00 is a small price to pay for my dog to have sweet dreams in his own comfy spa bed.

I *love* retro 60s mod looking pieces of furniture. In fact, I just bought a $4000 living room set that goes PERFECTLY with this Christmas gift that someone is sure to buy me! One small's a British company. Soooo...someone has to go there, buy it, and then ship it back to me. That should only cost you in the neighbourhood of $1000...probably more - I have no clue what international shipping on teak furniture would be. Regardless, I need something to put Christmas gift #10 on!

I don't know much about TVs, I totally admit that. But I *do* know that the current Sony LCD 42" TV I have is complete crap. I have a giant movie collection. I watch dvds incessantly. I want...nay, need - NAY: deserve - a good TV.  And this one is a measly $1299.00! 

And there you have it, faithful readers. Metric Jenn's Christmas list. I doubt I will receive any of these as actual gifts, but I am completely serious when I say that these are all items on my "To-Buy List" that is running through my head at all times. You may want to consider checking me into a Mental Patient Ward at the nearest hospital. Merry Xmas!

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