Friday, December 23, 2011

Dear Baby Jesus, All I Want for Christmas is for the music to stop.


The 10 Worst Christmas Songs to play for a Scrooge.

The Scrooge is me. I love just about everything about Christmas, but the music...good sweet baby Jesus, the music kills me. I hate just about 95% of all Christmas music ever made. I hate the cheesy, ear-wormy tunes, the constant repetition, the annoying characters. I hate it. And now that I've started working retail during the Holidays, well...I'll just say that the only reason I haven't tried to destroy the speakers with a hanger a-la "Office Space" is that they're too high up in the corner for me to reach. Those devious bastards knew what they were doing.

Now, I've gotten better at ignoring the nonstop music. Some of it I've actually grown to like. But here's 10 songs that you will forever remain on my list of Things That The Aliens Hate Us For And That We Will Have to Pay for One Day. I have a growing list.

Here are the very worst Christmas songs, coming from someone whoo REALLY can't stand Christmas music. Plus a little commentary on what the songs are really trying to tell us. I had to limit myself to 10 after my darling husband thought he was being funny when he said "Are you just gonna list ALL OF THEM?" and I said "NO! Dammit. Ruined my list. Fine, I'll do the ten worst."

And I'll probably miss some. Feel free to add your own, it's a free-for-all party of hate over here!

Note: Except for number #1, the rest of the list can be moved around depending on my mood that day.

10. Anything by Zooey Deschanel

I never had a problem with the Big Eyed Girl before. I even liked that scene in Elf where she sings in the shower, because it was cute, and for the most part I just ignored whatever else she did. And then I'm guessing some asshole told her OMG YOU ARE SO TALENTED YOU SHOULD RECORD MORE CHRISTMAS SONGS and she DID and they are all fucking awful. Actresses should not sing. Specially if they have really twee, annoyingly high-pitched voices that they use to butcher stupid public-domain songs. I used to be indifferent to Deschanel. Now that I've heard her singing I just flat-out hate her.

9. Frosty the Snowman

Frosty's another annoying fuck. I don't actually even know what the story is here, because I refuse to listen to the song anymore, but he always bugged the hell out of me. I think the Snowman comes to life because of a magic hat? Oh, so you've got Cursed Objects bringing a pile of slush (which is probably full of dead bugs and frozen dog turds) to life? HOW IS THAT GOOD FOR ANYONE?

And again, it's just a horribly repetitive song that gets into your brain so badly that you just want to set that frozen bastard n a hot plate and melt him slowly and painfully. Plus it sounds JUST LIKE RUDOLPH.

8. Wonderful Christmastime

Goddamn you to hell and back, Paul McCartney. No amount of Beatles genius can excuse you putting this dreck out into the world. That one line? "Simply having a wonderful Christmas time"? I counted, and I came to the conclusion that it's repeated about eleven thousand times. When your 'song' consists of repeating the same line ad nauseum, it's not even a song. It's a Black Eyed Peas shitbaby and you should be ashamed of yourself.

7. Little Drummer Boy

Oh, god, the most depressing song of all time. I know all you have is a drum, poor little boy, but you couldn't even bother to make up an actual song with it? Beating your damn drum in the same way for like 15 minutes doesn't make your gift worth it, it just gives Baby Jesus a migraine and probably sends the cow and sheep on a rampage. Seriously, this song is about 10 hours long. Again, I counted. And the rhythm NEVER changes. Talk about cheesy, sentimental AND monotonous.

6. Last Christmas

The song itself isn't that bad, I guess. What's unforgivable is that every two-bit pop star who decides to shit out a Christmas album --because god knows people don't have enough two-bit Christmas albums already and are perfectly willing to buy more-- and their brother has decided to make a version of this song. I've counted (and this time for real) at LEAST five different versions of this song playing at the store. Taylor Swift, the Glee monsters, some R&B bullshit, George Michael, probably Snoopy and Margaret Thatcher. Enough. Also, IT'S BEEN A YEAR. GET THE HELL OVER IT.

5. Jingle Bells (The Xtina version in particular)

Another one that is kinda cute on its own, but...have you heard the Christina Aguilera version? Or the Destiny's Beyonce's Child version? Those bitches feel the need to drag out one note into 16. And it's not impressive, it's not cute, it's just infuriating. It's unnecessary. No one cares how many notes you can cram into one. The phrase "jingle bells" should not sound like "geeeee-----Eeeeeeeee----eeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-nnnngleeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE BeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEeee----eeeeeeeIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-llll-ssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee". No. It shouldn't.

4. Feliz Navidad

I used to love this one as a kid. You know what I also loved? Being stupid. Damn you, Jose Feliciano, for creating yet another song that endlessly repeats itself until you are ready to set the whole of Christmas on fire. Though I confess it's just as funny to watch Non-Spanish speakers trying to sing the Spanish bits as it is to hear non-English speakers trying to sing the English bits. But, still. Terrible earwormy song.

3. Jingle Bell Rock

It wants to be fun and it wants to be rock and it fails at both these things. It's your grandparents' idea of 'rocking' and the whole of the lyrics make me feel really depressed at imagining this really fucking sad Christmas party where everyone's wearing ugly sweaters and no one's looking each other in the eye because they hate that they have to be there and there's nothing but non-alcoholic eggnog and your uncle screaming racist things at the television and your mom is desperately trying to get people to dance to this.

Not that this ever happened to me, but just imagining it makes me hate this song. And then I hate it because of that one scene in Mean Girls where Lindsey Lohan pretends to be able to sing. Ugh.

2. Rudolph

You know what this song is about? It's about a group of assholes being total dicks to the kid with the facial deformity. And then SUDDENLY one day that asshole Santa --I mean, did he just totally ignore the bullying, or did he also join in in mocking the handicapped? ASSHOLE!-- decides that WAIT! His deformity can be useful! And then he decides to enslave poor Rudolph forever pulling his fat ass across the sky, and probably without any Worker's Comp for having to deal with his deformity. It's BULLSHIT!

Plus it's just got that super annoying melody that drives me insane.

1. Santa Baby

There is no fucking redemption for this song. None. It needs to rot in the depths of hell alongside anything by the Black Eyed Peas and The Macarena. It's an infuriating bit of drivel that every Marilyn-Monroe-sadsack-wannabe Hollywood Slut decides to sing every year in a sad attempt at being saucy. I mean, listen to those shit lyrics some time. It's some desperate bimbo cheekily inviting Santa to come down her chimney. Oh, and bring me expensive shit, sugar daddy. Bring me gifts and I'll put out. It's unbearable, and just hearing the starting notes makes me want to jam pencils into my ears. STOP BEING SUCH A SLUT TO SANTA. SANTA IS A SAINT. IT'S IN HIS NAME. HE DOESN'T WANT YOUR DISEASES.STOP IT. KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS AND GET A JOB, HO!



  1. Amen! I work retail, and I may have to be institutionalized if I have to hear "Last Christmas" one more fucking time...

  2. Now I would like to hear your thoughts on the songs you ACTUALLY like to keep you from being a complete debby downer this holiday season.

    Though it does creep me out that the Santa Baby singer wants to basically jump on santa's dick....ew.

  3. Now all we need is for La Stodden to sing Santa Baby.