Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Unclean Bars of EVIL; Kashi Chewy Granola Bars (Dark Chocolate)


I take food seriously. Maybe a little too seriously. But, dammit, food should be good and it should make you care, and it should matter, and nothing will ruin my day like eating a bad meal. It takes me a lot to forget a bad food item. You could insult my mother and I'd forget it faster than I would if you gave me something disgusting to eat.

I wouldn't forgive you if you gave me a Kashi Chewy Granola Bar, is what I'm saying. These bars made me angry. I may or may not have taken one bite of these, made a face and thrown it at the ground while screaming "UNCLEAN!" I should've known. I've never had a Kashi product I've actually liked. Their cereal tastes like Evil bird seed and I should've known!

But, I figured, they have chocolate! Nothing with chocolate in it can be that bad, can it? But no! KASHI HAS RUINED CHOCOLATE.

Oh, alright, I might be a little dramatic. But I had high hopes. I know that eating granola bars covered in sugar isn't good for me, but I needed a good snack for those eight-hour shifts at work. So I went against my better judgment, spent more money than I would've for a small snack, and brought these home with me.

I really did throw one at the ground. I tend to be a little melodramatic. But man, these were gross. They looked and tasted like a piece of bark. I don't know what held the sad, dry grains together, but I suspect tree sap of some sort, or maybe glue. But god, they were dry, and so incredibly hard to chew that I was afraid I'd break a tooth or two. The chocolate bits just added a bizarre, false sense of good to the bar, like they were trying to hide the vileness beneath, but couldn't quite do it. The bar wasn't even filling (I tried another one after I chucked the one on the ground), and it bugged me because I hate paying money for something that won't be filling. I also had to drink about three glasses of water with it, it was so dry and tasteless. It felt like torture.

So, hell. I tried to be healthy, and that's what I got. I could've eaten a tub of butter from how annoyed I was, but I'm not that insane. I just know that people keep recommending Kashi products to me because they're healthy, but the reason why Sugar-Covered Sugar Balls are so popular is because they're easy to eat, delicious (mmm, sugar!) and cheap, and Kashi is disgusting. Anyway. I think I'll just take some bananas to work, and give these bars to my hippie friends.

I give the bars 0/8 tentacles. They were small, dry, disgusting, and overpriced. They were also infuriating. The "Chewy"ness is a lie. I know some people love them, but then again, some people are also evil incarnate, so, whatever. No Kashi for me, thanks.

Rating: 0/8 tentacles

1 comment:

  1. I am also a hater of Kashi. When I do granola bars, I'm all about Quaker. They may not be super healthy, but they are better than a lot of the crap I'd choose to eat instead.