Thursday, November 10, 2011

Figgy's Perfume Carousel of Madness 2: Eclectic Boogaloo


Confession: Sometimes I've ordered from Sephora just to get the free samples. Specifically, the tiny little bottles of perfume samples. I'm addicted to the little things. I like to collect them and use the ones I like in turns, and I like making fun of the horrible ones.

I have a box full of them, so I decided to pull them out and write gut-reaction, terribly misinformed and possibly offensive reviews of each. They probably won't be helpful at all. I mean, perfume is completely objective. But you should still listen to me.

[This came in bonus package of 5 tiny samples]

First, have you seen the bottles for these? ADORABLE. But there's very little actual perfume in them, so I wouldn't go for it. They'd make a great gift for a young girl though.

LOVE: This smells like grape soda. I think I would've loved this when I was 12, but for now I don't want to smell like a Jolly Rancher. I'd probably want to chew on myself.

Get this love Jolly Rancher Grape so much you want to smell like it, or if you're a Japanese girl who really loves Hello Kitty.

BABY: This smells like baby powder and sugar, but maybe a little less intense. It's very nice and sweet, and more little-girl than love.

Get this really love dressing in frilly tutus and pink stuff. Or if you're a 12 year old girl in Catholic school. You're a good girl and you wanna smell nice!

LIL' ANGEL: Oh this one smells nice! Really fun and light. Sweet, but not too young and giggly. It smells kind of apple-y.

Get it like riding bikes in your brand new red boots with many scarves entwined around you as you greet the sun in your glorious young years where the biggest worry is which headband to wear-the one with hearts or the one with bows?

G: This one's definitely sweeter and a bit more tarty. It smells like strawberries. A little too strong for my tastes.

Get it're the "Cool One" in your troupe of bizarrely attired Japanese backup dancer/singers/pets of a famous Pop Star. Wait, you'd probably be the pop star.

MUSIC: This reminded me a lot of Marc Jacob's Daisy. it's kind of citrusy, though far more 'young' than that one.

Get it like to sit under a tree strumming a guitar and looking super cute and dream of being Taylor Swift and being adorably bland.

Anyway, I'd skip Baby and G, get Lil Angel and Music. Because I'm a cool chick and I want those bottles, dammit.

WOMANITY by Thierry Mugler

Holy crap, this burnt my nose. I think I'm bleeding. But have you seen the bottle? It's pretty badass. Too bad the perfume smells of burning pepper and poison sugar. It's kind of nauseatingly strong. Plus, that's a very stupid name for a perfume.

Get it're a drag queen who goes by the name of Ferocia Fierce and you wear pink S&M gear and you want to keep people the hell away from you and possibly scared and sneezing. Or if you're a really mean old lady, because it smells like a fat pink candle on your grandmother's dresser.

VERY HOLLYWOOD by Michael Kors

This smells a lot like Miss Pucci, but lamer. Very girly and kinda strong, definitely pink and sparkly. Michael Kors really is all kinds of generic, so I'm not really surprised that this is very mediocre and kind of forgettable. Miss Pucci is a lot more citrusy and fresh.

Get it're a party girl, but a slightly poorer one than the one wearing Miss Pucci over there. You're trying very hard to show your flat stomach and get the attention of the cute boy over there but the bitch wearing the real Louboutins (and not the knock-offs from the guy at the corner) and Miss Dior Cherie is grinding up on him and you'll probably go home without a guy.

COUTURE COUTURE by Juicy Couture

You know, just because you yell the words 'couture' over and over at it doesn't make your tacky perfume any less tacky. This smells like lemonade and sugar and it's just kind of disgusting.

Get it really don't understand what the word "Couture" means and you really think it applies brightly colored, tight and tacky clothes like pink sweatpants with the word "JUICY" stamped on the ass, because nothing says 'class' like words on your butt.

God, I hate the word "Juicy".

ROSE THE ONE by Dolce and Gabbana

Oooh, this smells nice. And the name makes me think of Highlander ("There can only be one!" he cried, and thus rose...THE ONE!) It smells like pretty pink roses. It's very soft and sweet and it won't offend anyone...unless they hate roses, in which case they lead a sad existence.

Get it if.. you're a Southern Belle who likes reclining on a big columned-out porch dreaming dreams of Scarlett O'Hara while surrounded by roses, even though your seven children hate you and the 12 year old is already pregnant and you just want to get away and enjoy the damn roses that the gardener planted before you had him deported.

What's wrong with me? 

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