Friday, October 21, 2011

Terrible, No Good, Not Funny Costumes for Two. Ugh.

Author: Pinky McLadybits

This is fine. I encourage it.

Almost as terrible as the "sexy" costumes foisted onto us are the costumes designated for couples. More likely than not, they involve some play on word that ultimately mean the same thing: "we have the sex together, I have a penis and I stick it in her". It's not clever. 

So, to offset the list of the best costumes for couples, I present the worst, least funny, not clever, no-good, come-on-you-can-do-better costumes for couples. (The costumed pair on the left? DO THAT instead of these!)

10. Honey Bee and Beekeeper

I'm not going to go into the implied ownership of the woman by the man, though my brain totally went there first. I'm just going to point out the uncovered-ness of the woman and the complete, warm coverage the man is enjoying. And when you live where Halloween can be accompanied by snow or rain, this is a big point of contention for me. Also, you've got the implied "we have sex!" because the beekeeper is totally getting some of her honey, wink wink, puke puke.

This is just...I words. For him or for her hip-baring outfit. I'm making a doll of the person that came up with these designs and shoving pins into their elbows.

First, both the male and female Ghostface killers wear the same thing. Two, if you wear that Sexy Ghostface outfit and try to terrorize Sidney she'll probably just grab your hair and make you eat doorframe. Then she'll call the cops and tell them exactly who you are because you are holding the mask and not wearing it. Third, THIS DOES NOT FOLLOW THE RULES!

This is just wrong on many levels. The historical inaccuracies alone make this a ridiculous costume to foist upon the masses on Halloween. Also, did they have apples in the New World when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock? I don't remember. This costume stinks like a real pilgrim after a long sea voyage. 

6. Angel and Devil

I'm fairly certain that you can only wear this to parties at the Playboy Mansion or strip clubs with all-you-can-eat buffets. At least the man is just as naked as the lady? Still, NO. BAD COSTUMES. BAD.

5. Ghostbusters

Look, either you both wear the traditional Ghostbusters coveralls or he wears the coveralls and the lady goes as Zuul. I mean, come on! A woman can totally be a Ghostbuster but not in coochie-cutters and with her boobs hanging out. I think I read somewhere that ghosts like to hide in boobies. And it would be a real pain in the ass to clean slime from between your breasts.

4. Sexy Police Couple

"Hi, I'm Officer Michaels and this is Officer Appalonia. I'm training her tonight as part of our Strippers To Officers Employment Assistance Program. Now, do you know why I pulled you over, sir? Sir? Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to put that dollar down and answer my questions. Sir! No touching Officer Appalonia! SIR! That's it, prepare to be tazed, asshole!"

3. Sexy Firefighters

She's definitely getting some severe burns in that outfit. And those stockings will melt directly to her skin. Her male counterpart, however, looks well-protected.

2. Adult Babies

Much like the real babies of the world, I have no words.

1. Adam and Eve


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