Pinky Tries It: Natural Weed Killer

Pinky McLadybits

I have two flower beds at the back of the house that I had hoped to make beautiful. That dream died fairly quickly as I learned that one person cannot hope to overcome the rocky soil in our town and be exceedingly lazy at the same time. I tried my (lazy) hardest. I put in lilies and hosta, lamb's ear and creeping vines, but nothing could save the flower beds from the asshole weeds that now reside there. I would weed for hours and still there would be some bastard weed three feet tall within a week. 

Since we have two dogs, I decided that spraying Round Up or using fire to kill the weeds was probably a poor choice. They would eat the Round Up-laced weeds and sacrifice a squirrel in the fire, I just knew it. They're fucking crazy like that, Wallace and Zero.

I decided to ask the Google just how I could kill these weeds without leading my dogs into a life of huffing paint and joining Scientology. I came upon the blog Full Of Great Ideas and their recipe for a Natural Weed Killer. Like the author, I had all of the needed items on hand and I was ready to spray those dickweeds (HA! I CRACK ME UP!) into Hell.

I had the spray bottle, the vinegar, the salt, and the dish soap. I filled up the spray bottle nearly to the top, leaving enough room for 1/2 a cup of salt and the squirt of dish soap. I put the sprayer tightly back on the bottle, shook it, wiped the vinegar from my hands, and went outside. The dogs were curious but stayed back. Wallace thought there might be a bath in the spray bottle, so he high-tailed it across the yard. Zero thought that Wallace was playing, so he ran across the yard as well. Nice.

I took aim at a particularly tall and brazen weed, pulled the spray trigger, and nothing happened. Fucking spray bottle. Instead of attempting to fix the problem with the sprayer, I decided to just pour small amounts on each of the weeds in the flower beds. It stunk like vinegar and the hot sun beating down on the doused weeds did not help to make the smell better, I can tell you that. Because I didn't have the luxury of a sprayer, it took a whole bottle to dump on the weeds in the first flower bed. Shit.

I mixed up another batch, but this time I took apart the sprayer and was able to shoot uncontrollable streams of vinegar mixture onto the weeds in the second bed. I sprayed all of the living things in the flower bed and left the weeds to their fate in the hot sun. The blog says that the hot sun will help to kill the weeds, and I believed it. When I went outside today to survey the damage wrought by my Spray Bottle Of Carnage, I was extremely disappointed. One bed, the one where I used the sprayer? The weeds are just as thick and unruly as the bush of a porn star in the '70s. The one where I dumped the mixture onto the weeds? They are not all dead or dying, maybe only 30%. Cripes. Really?

Maybe it was the sprayer that did me in. Perhaps I didn't squirt in enough dish soap. I don't know. All I know is that now I'll have to give those weeds to the fires of R'hllor and hope that the Lord of Light will bless my household because of it. 

Rating: 0/8 tentacles

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