Glamour Magazine: Figgy Takes One For The Team

Figgy

Figgy reads the March 2012 Glamour so you don't have to!

Marc by Marc Jacobs has the ugliest ads I've ever seen, with cracked-out, grasshopper-like models with half their hair shaved off and looking like they smell of pickles and dirty feet. Gross.

Amanda Seyfried (on the cover this month) is very pretty. I wish she'd make better movies.

To get the look she's wearing on the cover would mean draping myself in all my No-No-Nos: floral-print tank top (florals make me look like a couch), skinny jeans (nope, I actually have hips), giant platform shoes (face, meet floor!) and colorful earrings. It's actually pretty cute if you can work the look.

My favorite thing might be a Word Cloud on how their viewers see the Kardashians, and the biggest words there seems to be "Talentless" and "Fame Whores". Because, seriously, fuck those bitches.


Their Dos and Don'ts: Big buns (ugh, looking like a grandma), hair in bizarre colors (yes!), looking "adorable" (um), Ryan Gosling (YES), Ryan Reynolds (no), 11 year-old fashion icons (FUCK no, go the fuck away, Willow Smith), pretending to be Marilyn Monroe (gah, no, stop it), feathers ("So Don't, It's a do", SHUT UP), and Mindy Kaling talking about dressing for the Oscars. I love her.

Don't's: Going around naked on your bicycle? Glamour, you're so stupid sometimes.

Jamie Lynn Spears just wants to do a good job by her kids. Nice, but I'd start with staying the fuck at home and/or getting a real job, JL. And don't take your sister as a role model.

Retouching photos is bad, y'all! Unfortunately the article is most ironically followed by an ad for Elizabeth Arden where the model doesn't have any pores or shadows on her face, so GIANT FAIL. Here's your depressing tidbit: Most of the young girls they polled said they were OK with photoshopping their personal photos.

Here's what we should all wear this spring, if we all want to look exactly the same:

Graphic Prints: Oy with the 70s, already.
Bright floral prints: Your grandmother's couch.
Romantic prints: Cute.
Accessories in solid colors: WANT. But I'm not paying $90 for a clutch from Banana Republic. You can't even fit a sandwich in there.
Bright Pants: UGH. Can we talk about this? I hate them. I hate that every single fucking store in the world is going to be featuring these damned neon-colored pants, and how they make all of us bottom-heavy people look ridiculous, and let's just MAKE IT STOP.
Platform Wedges: Might make your feet look like hooves.
Skirts: Well, thank you, Captain Obvious.
Red Jackets: Might make you look like a realtor.
Denim Shorts: For everyone except me.
Maxi Skirts: Cute if you can work it.

If you want the ugliest fucking outfit in the world: Take Keira Knightley's pleated, tapered maroon pants and Gaga's monstrosity of a printed shirt, put them in a blender, drink them, throw them up and wear them. Holy shit, Glamour. Are you kidding me with this?

You couldn't pay me to wear those hideous floral-printed pants from H&M that they feature in their outfit guide. Brr.

The guide on what sorts of skirts you should wear for your body shape is actually pretty helpful. I need to invest in skirts.

Their feature on "5 Bags every woman should own" ranges from a $24 canvas tote from Baggu to a $3200 travel bag from Louis Vuitton. Oh, Glamour, you scamp. That's the most expensive product they feature, by the way.

Trend that is more annoying and uglier than colored jeans: "Sporty mesh"-- because FUCK and NO. The only people who should wear mesh shirts are giant muscly types in bad 80s movies, like the ones in Mannequin 2. God, I loved that movie. It was so awful.

I don't give the slightest bit of a shit about Alexa Chung or finding out why the hell she's famous.

Kesha (NO, I refuse to write her name the other way) looks trashy whether she's wearing her usual ridiculous outfits or not. The stupid faces she keeps making don't help.

Glamour actually includes non-white women in their editorials. Nice.

Stories about soldiers returning from war to surprise their families will ALWAYS make me cry. There's one about a female soldier who surprised her kids by hiding in a giant gift box. So damn sweet.

I really want to buy Versace's Yellow Diamond perfume. Mmm.

Glamour only wants women with no boobs to wear tops with deep v-necks. Shut the hell up.

Chris Pine is adorable, in a Preppy Tommy-Hillfiggerish kind of way.

In conclusion: Brace yourselves for a lot of ugly clothes this spring, buy expensive shit and you'll be just fine. And maybe don't listen to Glamour so much. Wear whatever the hell you want.