My Very Short Term Romance with Herbal Essences' Long-Term Relationship Split End Protector

Author: Metric Jenn

May I share a secret shame with you, dear readers? As I’ve mentioned before, I am obsessed with having nice curls and non-frizzy hair. Well, that quest becomes difficult when I have such self-defeating habits as only getting my hair cut once every 12 to 13 months. Yes, it’s true. I’m too lazy to haul my ass to see Nicole, my hairdresser, more than once per year. Trust me, she is not amused when she has to hack through the curls with what looks like a machete and an industrial sized de-tangler/possible blow-torch-acid-spray-combo. So 3 months after seeing Nicole, and in an effort to make her life easier (rather than saaaayyyy, just going to see her more often), I picked up some split-end protector/repair from Herbal Essences for $3.49 at the local drug store.


The bottle has 6 oz. of product, and promises to strengthen your hair against split ends and breakage. It also claims an infusion of red raspberry (believable) and Brazilian Satin??? After extensive googling, I have subsequently discovered that the only thing actual Brazilians claim to be satiny are their waxings and underwear. Not knowing then what I do now, I trotted home with my prey, holding my head high, proud and happy that I managed to buy a product that wasn’t likely to bankrupt me. It was approximately 11 am on a Saturday, and I proceeded to use it as per the instructions. And I quote: “Through wet or dry hair, give your tips a big sip. Leave it in and love the ending”.

I chose to use it on slightly damp hair after a shower. I pumped 2 squirts out into my palm and gently worked it into the ends of my hair. It absorbed quite nicely, but did leave a thin greasy film on my hands. My guess is that “greasy” and “silky” are so similar, that Herbal Essences couldn’t tell the difference. I then proceeded to finish off my hair routine by diffusing it with the hair dryer (damn curls). The day went downhill from there. Less than 3 hours later, my hair was weighted down by the product. Where normally I have bouncy, spiral curls, with Long Term Relationship, it looked as though I’d been wading shoulder deep in the La Brea Tar Pits. The ends were actually DARKER than before, and I swear they were OOZING that fabled Brazilian Satin.

All I have to say is this: WHAT THE HELL, HERBAL ESSENCES?!? You generally have alright products, but this is just ridiculous. And what does “hydro-activated silkening  ingredients” even mean?? If I had a rolled-up newspaper handy, I’d rap you on your noses just like I was training my dog. BAD, Herbal Essences. BAD!

Long Term Relationship Leave-In Split End Protector for Long Hair gets a dismal 1 out of 8 tentacles. The ONLY redeeming aspect was the smell. I love raspberries. Jerks.

Rating: 1/8 tentacles