Tuesday, October 9, 2012

White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms: I Wouldn't Touch These With a Ten-and-a-Half Foot Pole


When Mars made the first batch of an edible food-like substance that tastes like another edible food-like substance, the universe in the immediate vicinity of the factory ate itself, then sent an apology note to Michael Pollan for allowing food production to reach this point. Unfortunately for my taste buds, a few bags of the new White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms escaped the clutches of the Elder Gods in the screaming void of nothingness and landed in my shopping cart. 

It's rarely a good sign when you put a food item in your mouth and think, "What the hell am I tasting?" And it's an even worse sign when you look at the ingredients and there is nothing to indicate what in the actual hell you're eating. The item "Natural Flavors" doesn't really say much. For all you know, it's a beaver's ass gland

Suffice to say, White Chocolate Candy Corn M&Ms taste nothing like white chocolate or candy corn. The closest approximation that I can make is reheated county fair cotton candy. I know you can't actually reheat it after it gets cold, but imagine if you could. That's what these candies taste like. I made my husband try one - he couldn't describe the taste, but the look of disgust on his face said it all.

In theory, white chocolate M&Ms might not be so bad. The milk chocolate in M&Ms is kind of shitty in general, so I would imagine that white chocolate would be mostly tolerable. But, look, if you're a candy company that makes crappy but addictive candy, don't go messing around with other crappy flavors not found in nature. All you will do is create a void of suck that will implode the entire northern hemisphere. Just stick to sort of coming close to actual flavors like peanut butter and mint and leave the false deliciousness of candy corn to Brach's.

Don't buy these. Well, if you're curious what the event horizon of junk food tastes like then I suppose you can. But don't say I didn't warn you when your tongue detaches itself from your mouth and bitchslaps you. 0/8 tentacles. If you're pissed off at your taste buds, you can find these at your local grocer for a few bucks a bag. 

Rating: 0/8 tentacles

Oddly enough, there is no listing for this seasonal product on the official M&Ms website. Maybe they are disavowing knowledge? I would if I were them.

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