This month, subscribers to Birchbox were asked if they would prefer their goodies to be "curated" by goop (Gwyneth Paltrow. Paltry, as I call her when we lunch.). I, of course, chose the goop box, visions of face cream made from unicorn placentas, Coldplay tickets, and my very own yoga instructor dancing in my deranged head.
Guess what I didn't get in the goop box?
However, Paltry did give me, and everyone else if my friends are any indication, Luna Lemon Zest bars. I have never had a Luna bar, nor have I had any inclination to eat a Luna bar. This one was freeish and specially chosen for me...and all of my friends. I expected that eating this bar will turn me quite blonde and quite pretentious.
It totally didn't. CURSE YOU, GOOP!
The 1.69oz bar is 70% organic, has calcium, vitamin D, iron, and folic acid, as well as protein. It claimed to be a "Whole Nutrition Bar for Women". I informed my husband that he wasn't allowed to taste it, as he was a man and would grow magnificent breasts if he dared. He wasn't entirely put off by those consequences.
I opened the bar and found it to be a good size, with the bottom frosted and the top crispy. It smelled super lemony, but was barely lemony in taste. The frosted bottom is, I guess, where the flavor is supposed to live. I fear that the flavor left this Luna Lemon Zest bar long ago. In its wake, it left an odd mix of aftertaste and mouth-feel akin to this one time where I ate corn chips while I had gum in my mouth. So, chunky, powdery, and very wrong.
I washed my mouth with milk after every chewy yet crispy bite, but the odd texture residue would not be pushed aside. I had to eat a blueberry muffin to get the gross taste from my mouth, kids. I KNOW. The things I do for all of you. I should tell you, my husband AND kid told me that it was tasty to them. I should also tell you that my husband has been known to take leftover macaroni and cheese, leftover taco meat, and Doritos, pile them together in a bowl of darkness, and then eat it. My kid thinks that McDonald's is good food. Take from these facts what you will.