Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Things I Learned From the October 2011 Issue of InStyle

Author: Pinky McLadybits

I'm not sure how I got a subscription to InStyle magazine. I never paid for it and don't recall ordering it. I don't even particularly like the magazine, but I read it every time I get one. I can't help it. 

Every time I read it, I get annoyed at something. Whether it be the idiocy of their  questions for celebrities (this month: What's the last thing you doodled?) or their misguided sense of inexpensive ($875 leather-accented dress), the glory of InStyle is the mingled feelings of fury and wanty (totally a real feeling). Let's look at some highlights from this month, shall we?


The cover: I'm sorry (no I'm not), but Katy Perry looks extremely cute with that pink-purple hair. Also on the cover is the promise to "WAKE UP GORGEOUS", which would be quite helpful for me. I mean, I'd be happy to just wake up coherent (I asked Pinky Jr. this morning if she'd like a bowl of scissors for breakfast. Yeah.), let alone GORGEOUS!

One of the millions of ads before actual magazine: Maybelline has a really gross-looking ad with a comparison of "without micro-flex" lipstick on a napkin that looks like maybe a mummy was wearing lipstick and cracked and rotted right next to their perfect "WITH MICRO-FLEX" lip print. That's nasty. Does anyone's lipstick make their lips so nasty that they can pull an Ally Sheedy with their lip flakes?

"What's NOW!": There is a limited edition Twilight hairdryer called Twilight Sparkle (not to be confused with the My Little Pony of the same name). It is $30, a limited-edition, ceramic and ionic.

"What's NOW! Parties": They asked "You know you are in Los Angeles when..." InsStyle asks you an asinine question at an industry fete?

Ad: Taylor Swift has a fragrance called Wonderstruck. Just like her face at awards shows.

"Your Look": Velvet pants are stylish now. Allegedly.

"Super Stylish": I learned that candles exist that cost as much as some families spend on weekly groceries. Vera Wang's favorite candle is a $90 Frederic Malle candle called Coffee Society, which I imagine is the scent of coffee and something that I don't even know about, as I cannot afford to know about it.

"Beauty Q&A": There is a magnetic nail polish! I know that you're saying, "Uh. Why?" Well, Magnetic Attraction lacquers (not polishes, lacquers) by Nails, Inc. have tiny metal particles in them and a magnet in the top of the cap. You paint your nails and then use the cap magnet to make the polish wavy or...that's it. Just stay away from older gentlemen in plastic prisons while wearing these lacquers, okay? (link involves a little blood and someone saying "ass")

"It's Electric" assures me that all the makeup looks my Jem and the Holograms dolls enjoyed back in the day are very in this fall.

"Shop It! Accessories" The last thing I learned is this: Prada makes a pair of so-ugly-I-must-have-them boots. They are python boots, they are $2,500, and they look like a snake-skinned lady is wearing a pair of heels.

There you have it, my October issue of InStyle. Did you enjoy this? Hate it? Is it too long? Too short? Let us know in the comments and maybe we'll do this again next month!

InStyle's October 2011 issue is available now!

3 comments:

  1. Hee, I read the Twilight hair dryer line as "...limited-edition, ceramic and ironic."

    I love your snark, as always, I say make it a monthly thing.

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  2. I'm game for this being regular, as you are terribly amusing! Love the Jem and the Holograms reference!

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  3. ...I must have that hair dryer. MUST. HAVE.

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